I Capital L Love You

your faithful puppy

January 17th
Dear Oliver,

That fall, I became increasingly aware that I was hopelessly devoted to you like a puppy. Even when Aidan Lyons asked me to homecoming in the first week of September. Much to Lyssa's annoyance, I declined in hopes that you would ask. But, as you already know, you didn't want to go to homecoming – at all. You hated the dance and everything it stood for.

     And what did that mean?

     You guessed it: I pretended to hate it and didn't go either. And in my mind, that was a logical choice. Why would I go and spend time with someone else at the dance when the one person I wanted to go with wasn't going?

     I was perfectly content with lounging on your couch and watching horror movies with you. I hated (and still hate) horror movies, but my Love for you was strong enough to keep me there like a loyal, starry-eyed puppy. How pathetic.

I remained your faithful puppy for years.

But you, Oliver? You didn't.

That sounds harsh, I know. Believe me, I know that we weren't a couple. I know it all too well. I had no reason to resent you for this. We were friends — the best of friends. Nothing more than friends.

But no matter how much I convinced myself that it was okay, it just wasn't. And I'm sorry for that, really. (I know you're never in a gajillion years going to read this, but I still felt like I needed to apologize for my thoughts. It's helping ease my guilt).

It's just... I wanted to be the girl you took on your first date. The girl that you had your first kiss with. The girl that you had all of your firsts with, and the girl you would have all of your lasts with.

I wanted you, but most of all, I wanted you to want me, too.

Does that make sense? I sure hope it does.

To this day, the thing that irks me the most is that there was no rational reason for me to be feeling this way. It just wasn't fair that you had such a profound effect on me. I didn't do anything to deserve the pain that came each time I was let down.

I quickly learned how to deal with that pain. The first test was when you begged me to help you ask Meredith Campbell out on a date in the end of September. I barely passed the test. Thank God for waterproof mascara and the ability to bite my tongue.

The real credit goes to Lyssa for coming over to my house with a shit ton of candy and ice cream on the night of your date. I broke down, but she helped me piece myself together. Lyssa was the person who kept me grounded when nobody else could. She asked if I wanted help getting over you or another boost of hope.

Of course, I asked for another boost of hope. Why wouldn't I? If I had three wishes, I would stupidly use all three on you. That's just the way my twitterpated brain works. I'm hoping that this journal can help me rewire it, but I haven't found any progress in the past two weeks. I'll keep pushing – maybe a breakdown is just around the corner.

Back to the story.

Lyssa helped me realize that it was just a date, not a marriage proposal. You were hanging out with Meredith once. There was still time for me to tell you about my feelings and there was still time for you and me to happen. You and I had the rest of our lives ahead of us — we had infinite time. She also reminded me that we also had three more homecomings and prom – a total of four more opportunities for me to attend a dance as your official date.

I can't believe I'm admitting this, but do you remember the way you asked Meredith to homecoming the next year? The way you stood outside in the pouring rain and threw pebbles at her window, like some romance movie? That was the way I dreamed of you asking me to the dance.

Per your request, I hid in the car videotaped the entire thing. And boy, it was so fucking hard to keep my sobs silent. But after all the shit you went through during the middle and end of freshman year, you deserved happiness during sophomore year.

I wasn't the girl you were there for, but I was the girl there for you.

     My purpose as your puppy was to ensure your happiness, and it was okay with me.

     Or that's what I told myself as I desperately searched for silver linings. One that I came up was the fact that I got to experience my dream. Watching through a phone screen while suppressing my tears wasn't the way I wanted said dream to play out, but you don't always get what you want.

I sure learned that the hard way, and I continued to learn that the hard way throughout the rest of freshman year.

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