I Capital L Love You

suck it up

February 11th
Dear Oliver,

     Okay. For the past two weeks, I haven't even looked at this journal. The last chapter was too painful to write, and I needed a break.

     This morning, I realized that taking a break isn't going to help me get over you. I have to suck it up and power through the past so I can make progress and finally do something about my feelings.

     Funnily enough, 'suck it up' was my mantra throughout sophomore year and the following summer.

     I had to suck it up when you were with Meredith, very publicly kissing and hugging her in the hallways. I sucked it up when you had me record you asking her to homecoming – the very dance you despised. I sucked it up when you canceled our plans to take her on a date. And, you guessed it, I sucked it up when she became a permanent fixture at our little lunch table.

     Meredith surprisingly became friends with Lyssa and me. I didn't know how to feel about it. As I said (well, more like wrote), I wanted to hate her so, so, so much. But it wasn't fair to Meredith if I hated her just for being your girlfriend. So, once again, I sucked it up and tried my hardest to sweep the hatred to the side.

     I also tried my hardest to put my feelings for you on pause until your (hopefully) imminent breakup. Something about being in Love with one of my good friend's boyfriend didn't sit right with me even though I had been in Love with him way before they started dating. The odd thing is that at the same time, I was hoping that two of my best friends would break up, and I was okay with that.

     Clearly, teenaged Sophie's brain was a mess.

     I didn't want to tell you or Meredith about my internal predicament because I didn't want to drive a wedge between you guys. I wanted you to break up, but I'd seriously hate myself if I was the cause of your breakup. So, like always, my plans of telling you got pushed to the back burner. And they got too comfortable hiding there.

     Thankfully things changed between you and me during the summer between sophomore and junior year – when Meredith went away to summer camp for those seven weeks.

     Your relationship with her was strained before she left, but it seemed to get worse over the summer. I don't know exactly what happened, but clearly, something went down right before she left. This is all speculation because she wasn't physically with us, but the number of letters you received from her dwindled as time went on. You mentioned her less and less around me, and she became merely a person who was a few hundred miles away.

     Meanwhile, things with us went back to almost normal. It wouldn't ever go back to the way it was before your mom died and before you got a girlfriend, but it was pretty damn close. We were able to spend time at the beach, the pool, and the mall with the same ease we had two summers before. We shared smiles, laughs, ice creams, and countless packages of red velvet Oreos.

     We got even closer and I thought you finally felt something, too.

     The lingering glances and brushes of your hand on mine were indications of something. The way you looked at me changed – something new was swirling in those emerald green eyes I adored. We didn't talk about it, though. Not until Meredith came home – that was our silent understanding. 

     But when she returned the week before junior year started, I had the naïve giddiness of knowing that everything would change from there.

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