I Capital L Love You

happiness?

May 2nd
Dear Oliver,

     So, I asked my therapist about what my next step should be, and he told me to go back and reread his four recommendations:

     a) acknowledge the real problem (✔️)
     b) create distance (✔️)
     c) find my happiness
     d) be less self-deprecating

     I have no desire to be less self-deprecating (it's my sense of humor – I'm not changing it), so I'll focus on finding my happiness now.

     Happiness.

     Happiness? What's that? Who's she?

     The dictionary actually says, "happiness is the state of being happy."

     Once again, that is another wonderful definition from whoever wrote the dictionary. I'm starting to question their intelligence – the cheesy Pinterest definitions are way better than that... garbage. (Exhibit A: "happiness is letting go of what you think your life is supposed to look like and celebrating it for everything that it is.")

     Finding happiness. It sounds simple but also so hard at the same time.

     Can even there be happiness without you? All of my happy memories from childhood revolve around you, Oliver:

     Our annual camping trips. Specifically, the summer before eighth grade when you accidentally set our tent on fire while making s'mores. Remembering the chaos that ensued always gives me a good laugh.

     Playing cops and robbers on the playground during recess in elementary school. Even though you pushed me once and broke my arm, those games were the best.

     Our chick-flick movie marathons and your snarky commentary while watching. Making fun of the cliché movies was the highlight of many mundane high school weeks. Whenever I watch those movies nowadays, all I can think of are the jokes you made and the stupidity you pointed out.

     Sneaking out of our houses in high school to McDonald's at 2 am. Those McFlurry sugar highs were always the best, and that smile of yours that I Love so much was always the biggest.

     My happy memories have you written all over them. You have been the core source of happiness in my life for so long.

     Sure, I have other happy memories with friends like Meredith and Lyssa, but the truly memorable ones have always been with you. It has always been you, Oliver.

     So, semi-logically, my brain tells me to find someone else to create happy memories with. A replacement Oliver of sorts. (Okay, that sounds like a terrible idea on paper, but it's a lot better in my mind).

     And that leads me to a new chapter: the one in which I find myself a boyfriend.

     I have been single for the past twenty-two years, always wanting to be available just in case you changed your mind about me. It's time for me to put myself out there and find someone. Surely he will be able to make me happy.

     I created an account on the newest dating app, and I matched with someone within two days. I'm honestly really glad about it; I don't think I would have been able to stick with it if nobody matched with me.

     So tomorrow, I am going on a date with a Nate Jameson. Maybe he'll be the one.

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