I Capital L Love You

i didn't smile

July 1st
Dear Oliver,

     Today, I talked to my mom on the phone for the first time in what feels like forever.

     And guess what?

     Your name didn't make me smile.

     My Love-struck lips didn't split into a fond grin when she asked, "How is Oliver doing?"

     I didn't smile.

I. Did. Not. Smile.

That's progress!

     And I'm glad to report that's not all of it. We continued talking, and I did smile when she asked about me and Travis a few minutes later.

     Well, she didn't ask me about Travis, but she asked me about "the nice young man" I just started dating. Tomayto, tuhmato.

I told her about the five dates Travis and I have been on and that we made it official two weeks ago.

As I talked, the smile grew and grew and grew. I was seriously glad that the call wasn't a video one because she definitely would have made fun of my grin.

But of course, the grin faded when she mentioned you again. She had the nerve to say, "Well, I'm glad that you're finally getting over Oliver. It's been a long time coming."

I actually spit out my water and was too mortified to do anything but stammer out nonsensical sounds for an awkward minute.

She took my reaction as confirmation and started talking about how she has always known. Supposedly, our parents have shipped us before shipping was a thing. They've talked and known since elementary school. Elementary school!

To make matters worse, our moms used to joke about us getting married before your mom died. I don't know how you and I missed it, but it seems to be a running joke in our families. Apparently, our dads are in on it, too.

I don't know how to feel about it.

One route is being offended. Offended that they were joking about such a serious matter and never thought to say anything to us. They were joking about us getting married while I have been heartbroken over the fact that we won't for countless years. Although, I would likely have been humiliated if they ever brought it up, so they definitely did me a favor by keeping it quiet.

That brings me to another possible reaction: being embarrassed about it. I don't think I could find it in me to be embarrassed that I Love you, so the embarrassment would be simply because they all know. I don't even want to think about the laughs they've had about me and my puppy dog ways.

And the final way I could feel is amused. There's irony in the whole situation – somehow everyone in our circle, but you (the most important person in the situation) knew about my Love. It's pretty funny when you think about it. Something straight out of a rom-com, except our ending isn't sunshine and rainbows.

While a little bit of me is embarrassed, I find it funny and will just shake it off. I'm with Travis now, and you're with Bri. In fifty years, this will just be a funny story to tell our grandkids as they play together.

     You know what? I really should be feeling scared that I'm imagining a future with Travis after knowing him for a month. I seriously just implied that we might have children together.

But, a future with Travis doesn't sound all that bad. I'd definitely be able to tolerate it, and I could find it in myself to love it.

     Maybe I'm being selfish, but I like having him around. He's a distraction from you, and we have a lot of chemistry. Having Travis by my side is going to make your wedding a lot easier. I'm probably a shitty girlfriend and person for saying that, but it's true. I'll have something else to put my energy into instead of worrying in circles about what's going to happen.

     By the way, I don't think I'll be writing in this journal for the next three weeks. Dr. T and I discussed and came to the consensus that we should put my journal back in jail until after the wedding. The less I think about you these next few weeks, the better.

     So, goodbye until after your wedding, paper Oliver. I'll see you on the flip side with a full, masochistic retelling of all the sordid details.

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