I Capital L Love You

the beauty of pretending

February 14th
Dear Oliver,

On this Valentine's Day that I am spending alone with my cats, I have been watching shitty rom-coms. And what do all shitty rom-coms have in common? Some sort of prom or school dance.

So, that naturally got me to start thinking about junior prom. We went together – not as girlfriend/boyfriend, but because neither of us had dates. That was perfectly fine with me – you finally went to a dance and weren't preoccupied with a date.

For one night, I was able to pretend that you were mine. When you put the corsage on my wrist, when we slow-danced, and when we took pictures, my brain pretended that we were a happy couple.

My brain pretended.

Pretending is something that I have gotten good at. After so many years, I have perfected the act of pretending that I am okay. I think I have gotten so good at pretending that I have started to believe the show I put on. My glued-on mask of happiness is so convincing and probably why I haven't healed.

     I think it's also because pretending brings a familiar safety that I love. The real deal is never as good as it was in my mind. Pretending saves me the disappointment of not reaching my high expectations. It's familiar and safe, bearing absolutely zero risks.

But on the other side of that coin, if everything is merely pretend, I don't get to experience the real thing – going out on Valentine's Day or to prom with a real date. My great expectations very well could be surpassed, but I'll never know because I'm too comfortable in my head.

I wonder how much I have missed out on because I wasn't comfortable stepping out of my comfort zone... I kept everything pretend, and I have to live with that choice every single day for the rest of my life.

There's no way for me to go back and revert the past. I passively stood by your side at prom and pretended you were already my boyfriend instead of asking you to be my real boyfriend – I can't change that.

Of course, the beauty of pretending came back to bite me in the ass when the night ended.

I was left with the jarring realization that we went as friends because we didn't have anyone else to go with. You weren't secretly pretending that I was your girlfriend, I was the only one playing pretend. You were only there with me because there wasn't a girl who you actually wanted to ask.

It was a punch to the gut but still not enough to ruin the memory of our prom. The memory of dancing together under those twinkling fairy lights that resembled a starry night sky. We danced as friends, but it was still a dance to a love song. And I remember thinking, "you put the stars in my sky" as I peered up at you and the lights.

When the song was over, we sat down at one of the midnight blue tables and talked and looked around the venue. For most of the night, we observed our classmates dancing borderline indecently as the chaperones turned a blind eye.

Still, after all these years, nothing will ruin that night for me. It has been one of the best nights of my life.

     Not just because of the pretend memories, but also because of the real ones that I made with you.

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