I Capital L Love You

balancing on cracking ice

February 19th
Dear Oliver,

During our senior year, we had our biggest fight ever. It was a huge fight that started because I was mad that you weren't spending time with me. After that initial screaming match in my bedroom, other things got dragged into the conflict: our frustrations with school, our bad moods, and just overall stress from being teenagers.

In other words, what should have been a little spat turned into a storm in which we didn't speak to each other for two weeks. Our friendship was balancing on cracking ice just because I felt jealous and was too immature to handle it like an adult.

I know now that I was in the wrong and it was all my fault, but of course, I didn't realize it at the time. Also, I have since realized that I wasn't mad or angry with you for hanging out with other girls – I was hurt. There's a difference, but I didn't understand and took it out on you. I've noticed that people tend to do that a lot in life, myself included.

But what I think is most worth noting about that two-week time period is that my feelings never went away. They were like a brick wall, not even budging when a ton of shit was thrown at it. In a way, it was similar to the grieving period during freshman year (minus the death, obviously). High school Sophie made no progress at all – absolutely nothing towards us becoming a couple and absolutely nothing towards me forgetting you. And is that shocking? No. The car on my one-track mind has always been following you.

     Eighteen-year-old Sophie didn't know that true maturity is recognizing that silence is more respectable than getting the last word with some unnecessary retort. It's like that cheesy quote that was in all of our middle school classrooms: "People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." At the end of the day, getting in a final insult doesn't matter. What matters is taking the high road.

     Which I should've done instead of acting like a complete bitch.

     It was completely unnecessary for me to start yelling at you about ditching me at the mall, stealing my phone charger, and eating my Oreos. I seriously don't blame you for ignoring me for weeks and shouting back at me. If the roles were reversed, I would have done the same thing.

     I had a lot of maturing to do. Some of it came during college, and some is still coming.

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