I Capital L Love You

the pieces still Love you

February 25th
Dear Oliver,

     After high school, we ended up going to the same college. Shocker.

     I always thought you were destined for greater things, maybe even an Ivy League, but you went to the nearby public state university with me. I guess it's not that surprising since going to any other school would put anybody who's not a billionaire in crippling debt, but I was still shocked that you chose to come to school with me.

Anyway, it was still nice to be close to you. Especially since college was my first time being away from home and my family. Having you there with me made the adjustment easier. I was able to hang around you and your group of friends. I had never been good at making friends, and I don't think I would have made it through the first semester without you there.

But, when you started branching out and hanging out with people other than me, I had to do the same thing. I was struck with the harsh truth that I couldn't just rely on you for my primary source of social interaction forever.

     So, I made more friends. And that included attempting to open my mind to dating someone that wasn't you. A few guys asked to get coffee or dinner or hang out, but despite my resolve to move on, I found myself rejecting all of their romantic advances.

I told myself that there was still time for me to date and still time for you to change your mind about me. There was no need for me to rush into being an adult like most young people do. I told myself that I needed to focus on myself.

Was I making excuses?

I think so. There's a thin line between denial and thinking positively. I blurred the line and allowed myself to hang onto the hope that you had feelings for me when you clearly didn't. That went on for way too long.

As a result, the first two years of college were rather uneventful. Sure, we went to a few parties and made memories together, but there weren't really any significant changes in our dynamic. I remained in Love with you and too scared to divulge my feelings while you remained unaware.

But during our fifth semester in college (the fall of junior year), our dynamic changed – and it wasn't for the better. Yay!

Everything changed when you met Bri.

That's another day I remember as vividly as my epiphany that July afternoon at the beach. I remember how loud and dark the living area of the frat house was during the Halloween party we attended. I remember the taste of the cheap beer we were sipping as you pointed out a curly-haired brunette across the room, saying something along the lines of "I think I'm in love."

I remember the all-too-familiar sinking feeling in my chest and thinking, "Here we go again." I distinctly remember the jealousy that flared in my chest as you drunkenly sauntered up to her and disappeared into a bedroom with her for an hour.

Of course, I drank my feelings with Lena, who had just broken up with her girlfriend. You and I hadn't broken up, but it felt like we did. Keep in mind that I hadn't dated anyone at this point and didn't even know what a breakup was like. Yet, somehow, I knew with absolute certainty how it felt to have my heartbroken.

     I used to think that heartbreak was only caused by a breakup, but I found out that something as simple as you noticing a pretty girl and drooling over her would also do the trick.

     Is that okay? Maybe my heart is too fragile? I don't know if this is normal.

And come to think of it, I don't remember what it's like to feel normal and not broken.

I still prefer physical hurt over this emotional brokenness. It's so much easier to put a band-aid on a paper cut than it is to patch a heart that's been broken for years.

If this is what love is all about, then I don't want it. Unless it's with you. Then you can count me in. The destruction would be worth it to end up with you, Oliver.

But, I have the privilege of knowing how this actually ended.

My heart broke – it shattered on that dirty floor – but the pieces still Love you. The butterflies in my stomach that were killed by the shards of my heart still Love you. My eyes have seen so much hurt, but they still Love you and actively seek you out.

Maybe I'm just cursed into Loving you for eternity.

That'd be pretty sweet only if you loved me, too.

~•~•~•~••~•~•~•~