I Capital L Love You

bullshit basset hound

March 19th
Dear Oliver,

     I read this journal aloud to my therapist yesterday. You know what he told me?

     He told me, and I quote, "Sophie, you're an idiot. That journal is fucking useless. Stop your pity party, and actually do something."

     I sat there, mouth gaping as I ever-so-eloquently said, "N- no. You can't... you can't rea–"

     He clasped his hands together and leaned in, saying, "Yes, I really think that."

     "But... but you're the one who told me to do this," I whined. Yes, I whined like a toddler.

     "Yes, but you're not doing what I asked. It's good that you wrote down the past and are trying to get to the bottom of this, but you really aren't getting to the bottom of this."

     "But–"

     He held up his hand, silencing my whines, "Before you come up with another bullshit excuse, I'll reiterate that you are doing nothing." He paused and gave me a pointed look that made me shrink in my seat. "All you are doing is recalling the past. I see next to nothing that's introspective. You aren't even trying to answer any of your own questions! You are answering 'I don't know' to anything that is remotely important to be asking yourself. You need to be coming up with actual answers, not putting in zero effort, and telling yourself that not knowing is okay."

     "But–"

     He crossed his arms and looked into my eyes. "Nope. The bike you're riding up this hill is going to start going downhill if you don't start pedaling, Sophie. The wheels don't spin if the pedals don't move."

     "But it's important to realize that not knowing everything is okay. I'm still making progress."

     He told me, "While that is true, I'm making an executive rule that it isn't true in your case. You're already heading down a slippery slope, Sophie. We're so close to a breakthrough, but if you continue this way, you'll be back where you started."

     Okay, so maybe he was right. I just didn't think that he'd see through my bullshit. Although, he's a professional bullshit basset hound – I should have known.

     "Okay, so what do I need to do?" I half groaned, half asked.

     And this was the gist of his response:

     a) I need to stop skirting around the problem. I need to stop saying that I don't know anything. I need to focus on what I do know in order to piece together what I don't know. Like one of those stupid math word problems I used to cry over.

     b) I need to create distance. You and I haven't had distance – ever. Not in elementary school, not in middle school, not in high school, and not in college. I'm not too convinced about this solution, but he claims it'll help. Who am I to judge?

     c) I need to find my happiness. He said that I clearly focus on your happiness too much and always put you first. I need to stop doing that and put myself first for once in my lifetime. Focusing on your happiness led to me never finding mine.

     d) I need to be less self-deprecating. I argued that it's my sense of humor; I don't really see myself in such a bad light. He shot back, claiming that it's my defense mechanism and I don't know my worth – I truly do see myself in that way, no matter how much I claim not to. (And once again, my therapist proved that he is the best professional bullshit basset hound out there).

     Seems simple. Easy as A, B, C (& D). Four things: focus on the problem, create distance, find happiness, know my worth.

     And instead of whining and saying that I don't know where to start, I am actually going to do something. I'm proud of myself already, but I know better than to celebrate before the work is done.

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