Impossible decision // Jaebeom/Jungkook

1. I don't even know what he looks like

It's the end of February, still cold but not the freezing weather we have had this winter. So much snow.

Waiting on the platform, I listen to some music, checking my messages.

My thoughts are disturbed by the screeching noise of the breaks on the rails, and the wind from the train slowing down lifts in my face, bringing a dust smell which feels so familiar. Same journey, same platform, same gloomy day, same stupid amount of people about to rush in, yet there is something in the air today that feels different.

I step in, noticing there are no free seats. That's annoying. I stare at the cast on my forearm and feel a little anxious. Standing in the middle of the other passengers, I find a pole to hold on to. I should be okay.

I am starting a new writing module today. It's quite exciting as it is song writing. My dream has always been to be a journalist but something about putting my thoughts and own feelings to the "paper" seems like a treat in the middle of the very intensive course I am taking.

The train stops again and a mob of people pushes in. I do my best to keep hold of the pole but in my desperate attempt to keep my arm protected, I lose grip and end up nowhere near something to grab onto. Okay... nothing to worry about. I am fine. I am just trying to reassure myself and manage my anxiety. What if I fall down again though? I stare at my cast and breathe deeply. No! I'll be fine. Snug in the middle of these people, all padded by their thick coats, I couldn't fall anyway. Well... I don't think so.

The train starts again. I was expecting it, so I manage to balance myself and feel proud to still be standing, smiling to myself. Silly.

Ah, I love the song playing on my playlist. In preparation for my class, I decide to focus on the lyrics and can hear patterns as much as what seems like randomness which still makes the song work.

In my focus, I have not anticipated the train reaching the following station and slowing down abruptly. I lose balance and suddenly feel my back pulled by the velocity of the train, and my body falling. Everything goes in slow motion. My eyes scanning the whole square meter around me, my hand in front on me, trying desperately to reach an invisible pole, a handle, a hand, an arm, anything that will allow me not to fall. I close my eyes in anticipation of the feeling of another passenger on my back or worse, the floor. I know I will get scolded for falling on someone, maybe hurting them, but I have no control over what is happening.

The sudden feeling of my wrist in ones grip, forces me to open my eyes, and staring at it. It is indeed grasped as I feel my whole body pulled back to a vertical position. The relief I am experiencing is only but exponentially boosted by an adrenaline rush. I suddenly feel hot, and the unpleasant sensation of a cold sweat accompanies it.

The feeling of not having control over myself is such an uncomfortable feeling, limit anxious.

The train has now completely stopped and more people come in, pushing me in deeper than I was earlier. There is no chance I will find anything to hold onto now.

When the train starts again, I am prepared. As I try to readjust my bag on my shoulder, I suddenly realise my wrist is still in the grasp of who I assume is my saviour and in shock I look up. How did I not notice it?

It's a man. Wearing a black bucket hat sunk in deep, although I can see he has dark brown hair and wears a face mask. His sudden eye smile, makes him look non threatening. I am still stunned and stare at his hand grasping me, his other one steadily holding onto a high up bar in the car. I don't want to insist and, somehow I feel uncomfortable asking him to let go, seeing that he has been so nice, saving me from hurting myself, others and potential humiliations.