Impossible decision // Jaebeom/Jungkook

21. You're making it so much harder for me

A few days later I decide to speak to Jungkook. I have made my decision and I can't delay talking to him any longer. As much as I don't want to confront him, I need to grow up and let him live his life.

[IN: Hey, are you home?

[JK: Yeah, do you want to pop round?

[IN: If that's okay.

[JK: Of course. I miss you.

[IN: I'll be over in twenty minutes.

I take an Uber and arrive at the bottom of his building lost in my thoughts.

I need to talk to him and not feel like I do every time. I can't  let him keep hope that something is going to happen, that I will change my mind even though, every time I am with him, I do change my mind and I am ready to jump back in his arms. I can't let this happen because Jaebeom is my boyfriend and I love him and we are happy. I'm not ready to jeopardise this for Jungkook, regardless of how perfect he is. It's always been Jaebeom.

"Hey." I jump. Why is he so gorgeous? How did I get here? I am standing in front of his opened apartment door. "I just remembered you know my passcode." I must have pressed it and come up without even thinking.

"Hi... yes... I... can I come in?" I am so anxious, I feel a ball in my throat and my sweaty hands are shaking.

"Of course."

"How do you feel?" He looks well. You wouldn't guess he was stabbed a few days ago. I need to stop looking at him. Every time I do, my heart races and I suddenly long for him, his hands, his body... STOP IT INA!

"Better. Off training for the next couple of weeks. Stitches are okay. Do you want something to drink?"

"I'm not staying."

"I know. Do you want something to calm your nerves?" How does he know? Am I that obvious? Oh god, this is hell.

"What do you have?"

"Tequila?"

"No! Bad idea." He chuckles, probably remembering my state that first night.

"Soju?"

"Yeah. Perfect."I know it's early but I just need it.

Pouring two glasses, he gives me one, leans against the worktop and downs his. It's as if he already knew and needed the alcohol to help him dealing with the anxiety of what is coming.

He looks so... perfect. Shit. I sign him to pour me another one and he obliges. After drinking it and realising it's not helping, I just whine leaning on the sink and before I find the courage to talk he takes the lead.

"Ina. I know why you're here, but before you say what you want to say..." Something tells me he's not gonna make it easy. "I... need to tell you something." No. Please don't. I don't want to look at him because I know I'm just gonna melt.

"Please look at me baby." Baby. Not baby. He steps in front of me and takes my hand, stroking it gently. I am stuck between him and the sink when he slides his fingers along mine and squeezes them. His touch makes me lose myself. "Please." His other hand lifts my chin so that I can now see his beautiful lips and his loving eyes travelling my face. "God, you're so beautiful."

"Jungkook..."

"When I see your face, it reminds me of how empty I feel every time you're not around."

My heart sinks in my stomach and I find it difficult to breathe.

"Why are you saying this? Please stop. You know..."

"Ina, I love you, more than I have ever loved anyone before. I'm crazy about you. You make my heart race. You appease me. You put me back in my place and I love it. And in bed... well... you tick all the boxes." I blush forgetting for a second that I am here to break his heart and that I will be returning to my boyfriend in a moment. "I never though I could let someone in again and you changed all that. I wanna be with you. I'll do anything. I love you." This is too much.

"JUNGKOOK! Stop saying that. I beg you." My heart is pounding at the sight of this man pouring his heart out. This man I love too.

"I've spent the last few months keeping it all in and that hasn't helped. I need to let it out. I need to be honest with myself and you do too. I've kept everything in but you need to know how much I love you."

"You're making it so much harder for me."

"I'm all about making it easy for you baby. I've stepped away for months and yet you still have feelings for me."

"I..." I sigh deeply and drop myself on the floor. "I don't want to hurt you and break your heart but I feel that this is the only way you'll understand. My feelings for you are not as strong as the ones I have for Jaebeom." I hate myself.

He crouch in front of me, seemingly unfazed by my hurtful revelation, and rubs my shoulders smoothly.

"But they are persistent and they are not going anywhere." He won't let go.

"Jungkook, I am with Jaebeom. He's my boyfriend. I'm happy." I feel tears coming. I sniff and look away.

"Then why are you crying?" He asks stroking my cheek.

"Because I'm sad."

"Sad?"

"Sad to turn a page."

"Wow, I'm just a page." He scoffs.

"You're not 'a page'. You're the bestseller printed on that page. That story that you take with you your whole life. The one you never forget."

He looks down, both touched and hurt.

"I love you Ina. I can't change that." I love you too. I can't say it, it would make it worse, but he knows.

A tear finally escapes the corner of my eye. I knew it was coming. I hurry to wipe it but he sees it and lifts me back up, pulling me in his arms, stroking my hair. I can't help but wrapping my arms carefully around his slim waist.

I try my hardest not to sob. Breathe.

"I understand. I won't try to get in touch. I'll leave you alone." His soft words rip my guts. I pull away and look up at his beautiful round brown eyes full of sadness. I'm doing this to him.

"I'm so sorry."

"It's fine. I just want you to be happy." I see so much in his eyes and I still long for him.

I've managed to resist until now. I know I can do it. My heart hurts. But before I have time to avoid it, he leans down and kisses me.

Why did you do this? My heart burst into millions of tiny pieces. I can't move. His hands cup my face, his thumbs caressing my cheeks, his fingers twining with the thin strands of hair in my neck, and I kiss him back.

I can feel that this a goodbye kiss and his lips tell me how much he will miss me, how much I meant to him and how I made him feel during our brief story.

As delicately as he landed on them, he pulls away and I see his caring watery eyes bid me farewell. After dropping his hands from my face, I release my hold on his waist and start to walk away while I see tears falling from his angelic eyes.

The visceral pain I feel aches, but I know there is no other possible outcome. Walking to the door, I leave him and a piece of my heart behind.

I need to focus on my life with Jaebeom now. I need to be happy otherwise none of this will be worth it.