TOXIC (sketchxreader)

Realization

Y/N-

Me and Elijah have been in each others company since the past few days. It felt good taking some time away from each other so I could gather my thoughts. We were officially on the run now.

I never told Elijah that the cops were preparing to do the DNA tests first. If they don't find anything that way, they'll continue on with a traditional investigation but if they did a test they'll most definately find evidence that is negative towards Elijah.

You see, when I felt someone caring for me or loving me I would just thrust myself out of the situation, didn't matter how much that impacted the person. I never knew how to deal with all of those burden of emotions so I escaped them.

I never allowed my feelings to overpower me because I always saw them in a negative light. Expressing meant a weak moment for me not a strong one but now I realise it takes tons of guts to express yourself.

I had always been dumb. I repressed everything because how would someone hurt me if I don't feel anything in the first place? I have nothing to lose?

That's why I've always been on the run from emotions and people. Now though, I want to stop. I want to be stable for once. I need a place, a person who feels like home which a place you go to and never wanna leave. You would die to be there forever, after a long hard day.

Elijah was starting to become that "place" for me, my "place" deep down, I was willing to do anything in return to come back home to him everyday. After i've been out in the sun or the rain or the snow the whole afternoon. After I've had people's mental breakdowns targeted on me. After all that, going back to him would feel like paradise.

 At first, I brushed off not telling elijah about how I forgot to disinfect the couch but I didn't feel that way anymore. I was fucking terrified of him getting framed for the murder. How the hell would I see him everyday then? Everyday when I am down and want something to look forward to in life?

I clenched my fist as I felt tears rolling down my cheek. I was enraged that I was crying over elijah but at the same he made me let my emotions that I had been supressing for years. I couldn't fathom losing that guy, ever.

I usually only cried out of anger or frustration. It was never out of emotional baggage. I felt innocent and free like a cloud.

I accepted defeat to my feelings for the first time all because of elijah. I sighed and washed my face so I had no proof that I had been crying on my face. I still wasn't comfortable enough to let him see the real me.

I walked back to our seat where he was sitting down, looking as peaceful as an angel. I took a seat and he gave me space, surprisingly. I think he had read my mind. He figured out I felt uneasy.

I scooted a slightly closer to him, giving him the signal to get comfortable. He buried his head into my shoulders.

"How are we not dating yet?" I blurted out.