Isabelle's Poetry Journal (a continuation of Homesick Angel)

Alcohol

Alcohol
They say that it gives you this
Great fuzzy feeling in your brain
And this like warm feeling in your stomach
But all I feel is empty
All I FEEL is the memories
As they attack my mind
What the hell kind of escape is this
Because it doesn't fucking work
But then I take more sips
And eventually I drink bottles
Before I notice
Then it gets worse
Instantaneous
It feels like my world has collapsed
And all that's left is dust and ash
And it talks to me
Tells me things I don't want to hear
"You should be gone
You'll never belong
Haha they all are laughing at you
No one cares
Just
End
It
Now"
And eventually
They become things I welcome
I want to hear them
I need to hear them
So I drink more and more
To hear them louder
And hear the actual people
A little less
And eventually
One night
I decided
Alcohol wasn't enough
I needed a new escape
An that's when I found the razor blade
It's effect was quite opposite
The alcohols that made me feel dead
The little stinging pains
Kept me feeling alive
And everyone says it makes them feel dead
But for me that's just on the inside
At least it gives me feelings
Instead of taking them away
Like the alcohol
Still a fucked up escape
But I get over it
My depression
Defeating my brain
So I have scars
And empty bottles
That show my never ending war
Then that stopped working
Just like the alcohol did
It no longer made me feel
It just made me want to die even more
I didn't stop but
That's when I found the pills
The pills
My god , the pills
They put me on such a high I never thought I'd come down
Different from both the alcohol and the razor
Their escape was not being here at all
You were on your own universe
So I took three
Five
Ten
About fifteen before I woke up in a hospital bed
They were antidepressants
So I just said I was feeling extra unhappy is all
And 'promised' not to do it again
They let me go
Idiots
So I added pills to the empty bottles and scars
And finally one day those
Stopped working too
Took me to way too dark a place
To ever escape from
And when I looked around
I saw nothing at all
And heard nothing at all
Except for a piece of rope
And a gun
Eventually I picked up that gun
And fired it
I heard the sound
So beautiful in all this darkness
And that's when I decided