if i'm being honest, its hard to know what i want. all i want to do is run up to you and hug you and never let go. its an attachment issue i guess. you don't like clinginess. you don't like being owned or long term relationships. I don't like ending relationships and being depressed after. why do you think i stuck with niko that whole time? I was scared to leave, but with you I instantly knew that you would be so much better than him in every single way possible. you've treated me ten times better than any other man has and probably ever will. the problem is that i don't want any other man. over the many weeks that we've been together i've fallen in love with you. theres times where i'll just stare at you because i just admire you so much and you ask me whats going through my head and i never tell you. the problem is that you're all that i want, i just don't feel secure. its an issue because you'll admit to me that i'm not secure. its not your fault, because you're not looking for a secure relationship, but it fucks with my head. whenever you talk about us breaking up, it hurts because you sound so okay with it but im not. i just want to be all you want. i feel like you're constantly going to get bored of me. i worry about the summer because you said that you wont be as involved. that'll hurt me so fucking much. i'll constantly be thinking that you don't want me anymore, or maybe that theres somebody else. it'll hurt because even though i'll be busy too, i'll still be thinking of you and hugging your sweatshirt every night. i might even do toxic things like do things to try and make you jealous because in my mind, jealousy is showing that you really love the person. I might get upset randomly because text conversations are so unpredictable. I mean i got upset yesterday because i noticed that you wouldn't say "i love you" back to me and then i started thinking that maybe you don't. my insecurities can sometimes come from things that aren't said rather than the things that are. thats just how my brain is, and i know it complicates things, its why i need constant reassurance. i guess thats why i strive to be owned in a relationship. I want somebody to decide everything for me. I want to feel like i belong to somebody and that they'll do anything to keep it that way. I don't think i necessarily want to own somebody, i would rather be owned by somebody. I don't want to be just another girl until you don't want me anymore. I know you'd be the person to end the relationship and that scares me so much because i never know when its coming, i just know that it is because you tell me all the time that it'll happen someday. do i think that we will last forever? realistically no, but god i really hope we do. I'm not ready to settle down obviously, but i also wouldn't be mad if it ended up that way. I'm hoping that it stays forever, because i know that when it ends i'll be torn. the last time i was in a relationship with somebody that i cared about this much, it put me through four years of hell and depressive states and concoctions of pills because i don't know how to get over people. I don't think i could ever just be friends with you, because i already look at you like my best friend. i'd never be able to look at you and not want to kiss the fuck out of you. obviously im so attracted to you and on a sexual level its fucking insane what you can do for me, but its also so much more than that. if you were talking to another girl it would just mess me up badly. I would still have feelings for you and it would prevent me from wanting whats best for you. In my mind, i want to be whats best for you and i get upset that i cant be. i guess it just hurts because i feel like you're whats best for me. I'm finally in a relationship where somebody doesn't mind being with me all the time. the thing that scares me is that any day that could change, because you're not the kind of guy that likes those things. I never know what to think because you tell me and show me that you love me but then from what you say it sounds like its only temporary. I'm just torn right now. I want you so badly, and i panic when thinking about us breaking up. I want us to stay together, but i guess i just wanted you to fight for it. I know you're not that kind of guy, and you'd rather me choose what is best for me than influence my decision. its just hard for me because i care about you so fucking much but im also selfish and i want you to stay with me and i get upset when i don't think you will. I don't ever know what to do because my heart and my mind say two different things. all i know is that i'm happy with us and don't want it to end, i would be a mess. I guess i'll leave you with that.
