sometimes i think about the happy moments that i had with you. this summer was one of the worst and best times of my life i guess you could say. i mean, you were so close and there all of the time for me. i could call you up and cry on your shoulder, and then just be held in your arms while i express my fears about my brother, and my home life. i was able to avoid my parents by hanging with you all day and night, and then waiting for you at work until they eventually were sick of me waiting and kicked me out. i guess you were sort of an emotional crutch for me; you always made me feel safe and like i was the top priority. once you left, i really had nothing. I didn't notice how much you impacted my life until you were gone. sometimes i think about how i fucked up, even though i didn't mean to. i wish i could text you and j and k and m but then i think about the fact that if they felt the same way they would text me again. j just wants me when he's bored, meanwhile i dont really know what i want from him. i want k back because all i can do is think about this person and it drives me insane to know its not reciprocated. all we do is fight its so unhealthy. we fight because every time I interact with this person, i get so possessive and want to be their top priority because they're always mine and i cant deal with the fact that i want a relationship but k doesn't and never will regardless of what either one of us says. m was just a really great friend and i miss having her to talk to and she doesn't care one bit. im tired and cold. i feel like im overreacting but i just dont have myself figured out yet and i seek therapeutic advice from people who dont have experience in the things that I've dealt with. i've fallen in love and mostly nobody else can grasp that concept from what i've seen. thats why they all think i'm overreacting but im not truly i just need help erasing my mind with some good drugs and i need to not feel anymore. I need to not feel exclusion and longing and self-hatred and pain and love anymore. I need to learn to forget these things but i've tried so hard so surely there must be some kind of drug that i can take. please i need to just restart my life nothing is going right and i need to get out before everything gets to be too much and i explode and embarrass myself yet again. please help me change my life around. this is why i cannot wait for college. I need a fresh start. i need to know that the people here are wrong and that i shouldn't trust the things they call me and laugh about. please if somebody is reading this, help me i need it.
