everyone is so happy right now at the party. i wasnt invited, most people dont like me. I dont know why, i was told that i was annoying by many people, but i dont try to be. I dont even like myself so why would anyone else like me? i dont know, im sad. I see all the happy faces dancing around, it must be nice. I dont think i'll ever have that. I want to genuinely feel happy again. I dont think theres much hope. Im always just sad. I dont like my life at all. I have nothing special about me, theres more cons than pros. I dont deserve to be alive. I wish i could give my life to somebody who would live it better than i am. I feel like im wasting my life away. im so fucking alone here. I refuse to talk to my parents anymore, i dont have a close friend who cares enough to help me, everyone i talk to is there in an attempt to fill the loneliness in my life. My coach told me that he noticed i was doing random things to try to fill this void. the truth is, i miss feeling content. I miss having someone to physically go to when i was fighting with my parents, he doesnt care about me anymore. I miss having somebody that i can talk to night or day about anything with, she doesnt care about me anymore. god i am such an idiot, i broke off my friendship with my best friend. i dont see it getting better from here. good things happen in my life and i still feel so so so so sad. my life has no meaning and i have to keep repeating that sentence until i convince myself to let go of the fear of actually ending it.
