i feel like i'm heading towards my worst nightmare. i was stuck in a four year long mess dealing with heartache and sunk into my worst depression. ever since then i've been really afraid of falling back into that place. i've been lucky so far where i haven't had lasting attachments to my exes or crushes, besides for my last relationship. i can't seem to shake the thoughts of him out of my mind. its been almost four months and i have somebody else who treats me so well and that i'm practically in a relationship with, so why am i still so stuck over him. i don't understand the obsession that i have for him, and i wish it would just go away. he has no interest in me or my life, he probably hasn't even thought of me since the last time we spoke. why can't i simply get over him and move on with my life. i keep aching to get back what i once had and i can't seem to grasp that its over. what happened to the man that made me feel like i was the most important girl in the world? what happened to the man who threatened to hurt somebody because i was uncomfortable with what they did to me and held me while i cried, even after we broke up. was it all just a game? did he ever mean what he said? i try to text him and i either get a cold response or nothing at all. i shouldn't still be feeling this way. i feel like i'm heading towards rock bottom and that i'm going to text him one day crying and tell him all of this and he wont care. that'll send me into that pit that i fear the most. i wish i was living alone so i could turn to the drugs or alcohol that i've relied on for so long to make me forget for a little. its an obsession and i can't stop. its like i crave to have at least a little bit of a connection with him and he wants nothing. i feel as if i'm so close to my breaking point and that i'm going to give in and text him soon, and it'll make him happy to know that he's "won" in this scenario. fuck love.
