I always believed that there was somebody up above, silently watching and guiding me on this path of life. I guess I must've been mistaken. surely, if there were some angel to guide me, it wouldn't drag me through the mud. It wouldn't leave me to the agonizing disparity that has become the bulk of my life. It seems that all I have to live for is just so far out of my reach. I'll never get to it, and I'll never be happy. any burst of happiness drowns in the cold blood of the darkness within me; the thing that controls me and keeps me from the state of bliss. where is my happy ending? where do I get to celebrate? it seems that I try so hard and get nothing but tears falling out of my eyes in the end. I just want to feel the warm embrace of happiness engulf me and know that everything I work towards has a purpose, but I know it will never happen, it never does. I try so hard to love and to work hard and I bypass my own happiness in the process. when will I learn that I don't have a soulmate to love me unconditionally? when will I learn that I'm not liked? when will I learn to stop chasing people after they've left? hell, when will I learn that taking on responsibilities doesn't make me more of a desirable person? it seems that although I can write these swirling thoughts down, I can't internalize them. I can't bring myself to kill myself because I'm too scared of the unknown. I know everyone would just pretend to care anyways, but we all know that they wouldn't actually care. they would all continue on, forgetting that I ever existed, it's not like I was important to life anyways. all I am is a failure who has unrealistic life goals, and doesn't want to live in a world without them. why can't I just learn that girls like me aren't accepted here? nobody likes you if you're clingy, ugly, and fat now do they? it's all about the social status these days, and you're at the bottom you sad fucking waste of a human. I'm truly not needed here, I have nobody. the only people that want to talk to me are the ones desperate enough to want nudes from me, the other undesirable humans. I don't have anyone to call my friend. I don't have anyone to talk to. I only have the hopes in my head, and they're all let down. nobody wants to befriend somebody who just clings to them and doesn't let them breathe. as a result, I'll remain alone and wish I was alike the others. at that point though, is life really worth living? I keep pondering this over and over and over until my voice is silenced by the unconsciousness that overtakes me as I cry myself to sleep. nobody understands, I fear. they think I'm okay, because I never express how I truly feel other than this sorry excuse for a book. I doubt anybody will ever even read this. maybe I'll actually decide to kill myself one day and detectives will go back and find this, and perhaps then people will see how truly alone I am. who knows? I guess we'll find out later. all I know is that if I truly had an angel guarding over me, they wouldn't dare put me through this pain. that brings me to the ending conclusion that I am truly all alone in all aspects of life itself, and there's nothing that I can do to change that.
