The Secrets That Free Us

Chapter 1

It's been 3 weeks since my piss poor suicide attempt and my family have not let me so much as use the bathroom alone since.

I'm currently showering, my bathroom is rather small but there is enough room for my shower and a toilet to the left hand side of it, and a sink beside that. The toilet is currently occupied by my sister reading a magazine and trying to inform me of which Kardashian has been in the news lately and for what ridiculous reason.

"What do you think?" Mia's voice yells over the heavy shower stream while I lather shampoo into my hair.

"huh?" I ask, not really paying attention to what she was reading out to me.

"Are you even listening to me?"

"No, I'm reminiscing about the days when I could shower alone" I yell back.

"Yeah, well it was either me in here with you or Cole."

I can't help but be slightly amused by the thought of my twenty five year old, 6ft 4 brother trying to squeeze into my tiny bathroom. Not to mention how awkward he would feel in that situation.

My family have been watching my every move since the incident, hence why I'm being babysat by my sister right now. I go to reach for my razor to shave my legs and I roll my eyes when I realize my shower caddy is clear of any sharp objects.

I pop my head around the shower curtain but making sure my body is still covered, "Could you please get me a razor?" I ask Mia.

I notice as she rolls her lip into her mouth and studies me carefully before asking, "Mom took them all out, I don't know if she will let you have one." her words are soft and careful and that annoys me even more.

"For fuck sake I only want to shave my legs." I snap.

Mia gives me a sympathetic look before leaving the bathroom, no doubt in search of a razor for me.

I take advantage of  knowing I'm alone in my bathroom to just breathe.

I understand why my family have been so over protective of me lately I really do, but sometimes I just need 5 minutes to myself instead of feeling like the star of the circus. Even at night when I'm asleep if Mia isn't bunking in with me I'm vaguely aware of my Mom or brothers popping into my room every so often.

Mia returns a few moments later and cringes as she hands me a razor. Only it wasn't a normal razor, no. It was one of those blunt electric razors that do nothing but nip at your skin instead of actually getting rid of any hair.

I try my best to use it but I soon give up when I realize my legs still feel sharp and stubbly. Looks like I'll just have to wear pants for the for seeable future. 

I get out and wrap the fluffy towel around my thin waist before padding into my bedroom with Mia following closely behind me.

I throw on a pair of baggy sweatpants and one of Cole's oversized hoodies followed by some fluffy socks. Once I've brushed my hair and decided to just let it dry naturally I sit on top of my  made bed and tuck my legs underneath myself.

I go to pick up my TV remote to see what's on Netflix when I notice Mia is still just standing in the doorway to my bathroom. When I look up at her I see her looking at me with unshed tears in her eyes.

"I thought it was me who had depression?" I try to make light of the serious situation but Mia doesn't budge.

She moves her head into her hands as she begins to sob and her shoulders shake. I jump up from my bed and wrap my arms around her, although she's about five inches taller than me so I have to stretch a little.

She wraps her arms around me and pulls me into her, "I'm sorry. I just..I can't get the image of you out of my head." Her voice cracks and the end and I cuddle into her more.

Three weeks ago..

I sat on the edge of my bed trying to catch my breath. I had just woke up from a nightmare, although it was a memory really, I could only wish it was just a sick scenario my mind had made up.

I woke up and vomited and then had sat on the edge of my bed shaking for the last ten minutes trying to ignore the panic attack that was closing in.

I can't keep living like this, I don't know how to stop it but I know this is no life to live. I'm constantly surrounded by fear and panic and the gripping sense that the walls are constantly closing in and my touch with reality is slowly slipping away.

I'm supposed to be at the church for my nephew, Cody's christening in less than an hour. Yet all I can think of is how much better off my family would be without me.

I'm a burden to my Mom and Dad, I'm just the problem child who is never happy in there eyes.

Cole feels responsible for this entire situation and has never forgiven himself, even though I have never once blamed him.

My brother Parker has enough going on with his girlfriend Chloe who is a recovering addict basically.

My brother Joey has just had a baby with his girlfriend Brooke.

And poor Mia has done nothing but try to bring me out of my shell my whole life. She's godmother to her twins baby and has recently started dating his bestfriend, Nate. She has a life, she doesn't need to be trying to pull me out of my funk constantly.

None of them need me, they all have there own lives and they don't need their miserable sister spoiling their day.

I'm sure when Cody's older he will realize I'm not the fun aunt, I'm the boring one who can never bring her self to smile because her mind is too full of negativity.

I sob as I let the feelings of self loathing and hatred seep in like a poison to my already fractured brain.

Everyone would be better off without me eventually.

It's all my fault.

I'm disgusting.

I can't even escape when I'm asleep.

I don't want to feel this way anymore.

I just want it all to stop.

I just want to not feel anymore.

And that was my last thought before I wiped my tears away and walked into my bathroom.

I picked up one of my new razors and held it between my fingers for a moment.

Looking at the shiny sharp object however all I felt was nothing, For the first time in a long time the thought of feeling nothing but calm washed over me. If I do this I will be at peace and eventually my family will know it was for the best too.

"I'm sorry, I know you don't want to talk about it. But I have never felt as scared as I did walking in here and seeing your lifeless body." Mia shudders as though the thought alone haunts her. Although it probably does.

In my attempt to rid the world of the nuisance that is me I managed to scar my sister for life.

"No I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking." I tell her because it's easier than telling her the truth.

To tell her that I can't bare being in my own skin most days.

That I just want someone to rip my brain from my head because it fucking tortures me.

That I just don't want to keep living like this.

I can't keep living like this.

I don't argue when Mia climbs into bed beside me tonight to sleep, because I'm starting to think she might need this more than me right now.