The Secrets That Free Us

Chapter 4

"Grace, I feel like your mind is elsewhere" Dr Blaylock says to me.

I turn my head from where I've been staring at the clock on her wall for the last 50 minutes and face her.

Dr Blaylock has been my therapist for the better part of two years. My parents forced me to come see her when I stopped eating and started suffering from nightmares and panic attacks. I never actually told her what was causing them but after my suicide attempt I opened up to her.

She's a short plump woman in her forties. Short blonde bob always neatly done, and kind brown eyes.

"I'm just sick of everyone treating me differently" I tell her honestly.

I decided if I ever wanted to be done with therapy then my best option was to bite the metaphorical bullet and open up to her.

She can't share any of my information with my parents now either since I turned 18 just before my meltdown.

I think that's what I was most afraid of when they first sent me here, that I would tell her and she would tell them and then my whole family would know. They would know how disgusting and damaged I really am.

I didn't blame Cole but I honestly don't know how they would react, if they would harbor any resentment towards him because of it, and that was the last thing I wanted. The poor guy beats himself up enough without the rest of the family joining in.

"Grace, you attempted to end your life. That is a big deal. Your family are just worried." She tells me.

"I know, but I feel like I'm being smothered sometimes. Mia hasn't even let me sleep alone for more than one night at a time. I just want my space back. I feel like they think as soon as they turn their backs I'm gonna try again." I tell her and slouch further into the comfy sofa.

"Are you?" She asks with a raised brow and her pen in hand, gauging my reaction.

That was a loaded question. Am I? Honestly no. Not after seeing what my near miss did to my family. But there are some days I'm still resisting that urge, the voice in my head that tells me everything will be better. Everything will be quiet once it's done.

I see her looking at me patiently, waiting for an answer but I can't answer her with words because I wouldn't even know how to explain the mess of thoughts swimming around my mind, so I just shake my head and avert my eyes down to a scuff on my white trainers like it's the most fascinating thing I've ever seen for the next ten minutes until my session is over.

***

When I leave the building I see my Mom's Sedan parked across the street and her Blonde hair bright as ever through the car window.

I cross the road and get in. "Hi sweetie, how was your session." she asks me brushing a loose strand of hair from my face. I resist the urge to swat her hand away. I've never been an overly affectionate person.

"It was okay." I tell her and she lets out a sigh, obviously wanting a more detailed answer but not wanting to push me for one. She begins driving and I take her in. She always looks well put together, like she's got her whole life figured out.

Blonde hair always perfectly styled, make up always immaculate, always well groomed and well dressed.

"Mom, how did you do it?" I ask her.

She glances at me, taking her eyes off the road for the briefest of seconds but enough time for me to notice the confusion in her expression, "do what?"

"Pull your life together? I mean you lost Grandma and broke down" I watch her closely at her reaction to this, she never really talks about that and I think she assumed I didn't remember.

She purses her lips for a moment before sighing and answering me, "You remember that huh?"

I nod in response as her eyes flick back to me and I can tell she's having an internal war with herself on whether or not to open to me.

She obviously decides I need it and tells me, "It wasn't easy. It was completely different to what you're going through sweetie. I suffered a mental breakdown caused by grief, whatever is going on with you has lasted years and is a lot more complex sweetie. But I guess I just had to grieve and then pick myself up day by day. Dad helped when he came home and I couldn't have done any of it without Cole. God knows that boy was my angel when I needed him to look after you." She tells me honestly and reaches over the center console to grab my hand. "It never goes away, it just gets lighter."

I let her take my hand and she gives it a gentle squeeze and I return the gesture, I know talking about that couldn't have been easy and I appreciate her being open with me. 

I decide to give her a little more information about my session while we're doing the whole bonding thing.

"DR Blaylock's prescribed me some new meds." I tell her.

"She has?"

"Yeah, just some stronger anti-depressants and some new sleeping tablets, hopefully these ones won't make me so groggy" I tell her and she nods her head in acknowledgement that she's paying attention.

"You'll get there sweetie." She tells me in way of reassuring me my life will eventually be okay.

We spend the rest of the car ride in silence and I keep replaying what she said in my head. Cole was her savior just like he's always been mine.

"Mom, I need you to drop me off somewhere" I decide, It's time for me to help him for once.