The Secrets That Free Us

Chapter 3

It's funny how your whole world can be flipped upside down yet the whole world stays blissfully unaware and un affected. It's like your whole life hasn't changed.

That's how I felt today at school. My Mom told my teachers I was ill and that's why I've been off for the last month, so they weren't particularly amused when I hadn't done much of the catch up work they had set me. 

I stopped talking to the people I used to class as friends after everything that happened, not that any of it was their fault, I just wasn't the same and they didn't bother asking why or trying to figure out what had happened.

I went to my classes, I spent lunch catching up on missed English coursework, and then I went home. The same routine I've always had, as if nothing had changed. Excellent everything had. My whole family knows what a damaged person I am.

I leave the school building and immediately see Cole's sleek black Audi parked across the street.

I look both ways before crossing the road and get into the passenger side of his car settling into the leather interior.

I notice the strong smell of mint and Hugo Boss aftershave, Cole's signature scent.

"How was it" He asks, quickly glancing at me before checking the road to make sure it's safe for him to pull out.

"Nothing new." I tell him honestly and he nods in response before turning the radio up.

Cole isn't very talkative and maybe that's one of the things I love the most about him.

My love my other siblings to bits, but I've always been closer to Cole.

He's always looked after me, even when we were young my dad used to work away, and my Mom went through a bad patch of depression after loosing her Mom, which is understandable.

Joey, Mia and Parker were always really close and they went to stay at my Aunts house for a while, Cole was basically my sole care giver at that time.

He was only fifteen but he took care of his seven year old sister like I was his own to look after. Took me places, tucked me into bed. Until my Dad came home and made my Mom see someone.

Everyone who knows her could never imagine happy, Ellen Anderson as someone who stayed in her pyjamas all day and barely left her bedroom, but for three solid months that is what me and Cole had.

He never told the others, he said there was no use worrying them. But part of me thinks he still harbors it against our Mom. Their relationship has been tarnished ever since although neither of them would ever say it out loud.

I guess that's the funny thing about some people, you never truly know them, only what they want you to know.

Cole and mine's relationship has always been different, to the rest of the world he's closed off and maybe sometimes comes across as rude. To me he's always been my caring big brother who has looked out for me.

He thinks the world of all of us, being the oldest of the bunch he would do anything for any one of us, he's just closer with me.

"What's up with you and Parker?" I ask him, eventually breaking the silence. If anyone is going to treat me like an adult and not fine china, it's Cole.

He glances to me for a brief moment, pain shining in his eyes, before turning back to the road, "Nothing for you to worry about."

"Bullshit. I know you were talking about me." I tell him.

He rubs his hand across his forehead in frustration, "Look it's nothing Grace, okay?"

"No it's not okay. You are the one person who treats me like I'm not made off glass Cole. So stop trying to shield me from stuff." I tell him, turning in my seat as much as my seatbelt will allow me.

He looks at me for a moment before sighing in defeat, "He blames me." He tells me, side eyeing me to gauge my reaction.

"Blames you for wh.." I begin before it dawns on me. "Are you serious?" I all but yell.

"He's not wrong" He says quietly, almost more to himself than me.

"Yes he is. I did this. Not you." I tell him.

"Yeah well, if I had of handled this better then you wouldn't have done this."

"Cole. You were there for me when I couldn't turn to anyone. None of this is your fault and I don't blame you for a second." I tell him honestly.

"For fuck sake Grace none of this would have happened if it wasn't for me. If I hadn't of.." His voice trails off and cracks at the end of his sentence.

I want to say something, anything to make him feel better. But I can't find the words, and to be honest there isn't anything I can say.

We pull up outside of the therapists office and I resist the urge to scream. Why me?

Cole doesn't say anything else so once I've undid my seatbelt I reach over and give him a hug, wrapping my arms around him and resting my head on his shoulder, "I don't blame you Cole."

He doesn't respond but I know he doesn't agree with me. He seems to be having an internal battle and I can't do anything to fix it for him.

"I have to go somewhere, I'll get Mom to pick you up." He tells me before shifting his gearstick into 1 and staring out of his windshield with a determined look on his face indicating that this conversation is over.

I open the car door but before I leave Cole says to me, "I'm going to make this better Grace." Still not looking at me but instead out at the road.

When I get to the entrance of the building I turn back around only to see his car speeding off down the road. Here goes nothing.