Whatever We Love Most

Three Months Before

At the end of December, the barn was being forced to shut down again because of the pandemic. I was miserable, of course. The summer I had spent there had made me love it even more than I already had. 

In my last lesson before the break, I rode Briar, as always. I had been riding her a lot lately and had an unending war with another rider over her. I tried to end it. I did. I tried to compromise, to be nice, to not argue. But it was hard, when Ashley always said Briar was hers. It was frustrating. It made me irritable. So I was thrilled when I finally cantered Briar off lunge. That shut Ashley up.

I remember that day. My coach, Jessica, didn't want me to canter off lunge. But Miranda said it was the last lesson for a while, so heck with it.

It was one of the proudest moments of my life when I cantered Briar a lap without a) falling off, or b) losing control. Everyone was shocked, except me. I knew I could do it. I just wanted everyone else to know.

And then the barn closed down.

At that point, I had a semi-large fight with a couple people. As always, I was the one to patch it up, a few weeks later. I'm still being pushed around by those girls. I always felt like the underling, the annoying one, the one everyone hated. Ashley talked about everyone behind their backs, and I always wondered what she said about me.

That break was stressful. Though, the no-school part of it was nice. I spent all my time sitting on the couch. And eating chocolate. 

So that was about all that happened.

But when things opened up again, I was back immediately. I rode Briar every lesson, and Jellybean occasionally. 

What I'll Miss Most About Jellybean:

1) How she used to walk into the middle and kick poles while I was riding her

2) How she could always find a way to get dirty

3) How she was so small but packed a strong punch

4) How she loved jumping

5) How she could sometimes surprise you with how nice she was

6) How she was wonderful bareback

7) How she would rub her head on you after every ride

8) How she had a giant blob of fat at the top of her neck

9) How her mane was always full of burrs

10) How she behaved when she knew she wouldn't get away with anything

At first, I had some difficulty with Briar. I couldn't canter and jump her in the same lesson. Sometimes I couldn't even get her to canter. But I pushed forward with her, and managed. 

Briar and Jellybean were the loves of my life. Sometimes I thought about what my future looked like without them.

And I saw nothing.