Whatever We Love Most

The Bonuses of Talking to Yourself

"I fainted three days ago. But you didn't notice. You never notice. You don't care.

Yes. I fainted. Oh, you're shocked. I should have told you, you say. But I tried. You were on one of your shit meetings. You told me to leave. You told me to get out.

I tried to tell you. I tried to let you know something was wrong. I knew something was wrong. I know something is wrong. I just don't know what.

I know by now I'm completely over the barn. I don't care anymore. I just need to know you love me. I need to know you care about me. Sure, you can say it, but that's not the same. I don't feel it. You don't act like it.

Yesterday I was at a new barn, that I've been riding at for a couple weeks. I felt happy there. It was the first time I felt genuinely happy in months. But I come home, ah, but it's not a home- I come back to the house and try to tell you. I try to share my accomplishments. But you don't care. You don't listen.

I always have to take care of my brother. Yeah, you feed him and shit. But I always have to save him. I have to save him from my sister. She tried to lock him in the closet today. I found bruises on his arms.

I tried to go to you, but you yelled at me. And that's when I retreated to my space on the couch. Because I know you won't care.

You only make me behave because it's easier to you. You want to save face.

And tonight. You screamed at me. I'm terrified of you. I'm terrified you'll hurt me. And I would rather kill myself than be around you. But I can't, because you'll call 911 so you don't get in trouble for letting me die. Then you'll have to send me to a therapist. There'll be whispers. Psycho. Tried to kill herself. Insane.

So I don't know what to do. I can't talk to anyone. I don't trust anyone. I barely talk to my 'friends' unless I'm texting them. I can't talk to people in person. I try so hard. But it's never enough.

I apologize. I apologize every time this happens. But I can't control it. Sometimes I just need someone. Someone to hug me, and tell me everything will be okay.

Someone I feel safe with.

I apologize. But you never do. It's your fault more than mine. You have ruined me. You're the reason I'm like this. You're the reason I've fallen into a pit this deep. But you won't help me out of it.

So fuck it. Fuck life. Fuck everything."

That is what I want to say. But I can't. I don't have the courage. I'm too weak. I say it in my head. Nobody ever gets mad about what you say in your head. They don't know what I think.

So I go on with my life.

Yesterday I cantered jumps. I have started riding at a new barn and I really do like it. The people are friendly and they do showing nights in the summer. I so want to show.

It's all I want to do with my life.

But I can't make a career out of that. I can't support myself. I don't know what to do with my life.

My story is only just starting. I'm sure it will be much more interesting before it ends abruptly, like the one I wrote.

Wrists. You can die form slicing your wrists. It only takes a couple hours.