Whatever We Love Most

Part 25

Before this part begins, I have good news. Miranda is keeping Rosy! Meaning, I can visit her if I like, and I don't have to worry about her going to someone I don't know.

Often, I dream. Semi-consciously, consciously, and I always write it down. Unless it's completely ridiculous. I write every dream down, and I pin the papers up on my wall. I later can look through them and weave the stories together.

And that's how I came up with Sirensong. The name may or may not be changed. It's a siren who goes back in time to help her past self regain her kingdom, take it back from a wicked queen. I planned everything out on the car ride back from the cottage.

Ah, the cottage. A small hovel in the wilderness, no WiFi, no AC. Terrible, I know.

Before we left, I managed to make my riding lesson. We tried dressage for the first time. Here's how it went.

I wandered into the barn twenty minutes early to tack up my pony, only to find that she was already being ridden. I spent those twenty minutes cooing over the foal and getting to know a few of my fellow riders. Here are the highlights.

Liv has been riding for five years. She is starting lessons. Her entire family comes to watch.

Cady has a younger sister who never stops talking.

Lee has been riding seven months. She has every fancy horse-related thing you could think of.

Lyra is very closed off. She doesn't talk to anyone.

That day was very hot, so I was grateful we were beginning dressage instead of jumping. It was quite a bit easier. We started with a walk-trot warmup in the jumping ring, while another rider finished up in the dressage ring, then we all headed up the path to the dressage ring. 

Of course there were people watching. I hate when people watch my lessons. They laugh at me, I know it. 

We started with walking around the rail, keeping a consistent speed. Then Meg had us all walking down the centerline to the judges' booth, turning either left or right, weaving figure eights through the ring. Next we trotted it a few times, then practiced some transitions.

After that, Meg called us all to the center of the ring. I was exhausted, trying to keep Rory moving. I picked up a crop from the side. I never use them, but they're handy to give a pony that little boost of energy. I mean business, they scream.

"Next we're going to try a test," Meg told us. 

I froze. I didn't have anything memorized. I didn't know any maneuvers. I didn't know if I would be able to memorize anything.

Luckily, the test was fairly easy. Trot down the centerline, turn left, center circle at B, walk at the entrance, free walk from F to M, switch directions, trot, center circle at E. 

Liv had a lot of trouble with Secret.

I practically begged Meg to let me ride Secret next week.

My test went fairly well, except for the part where Rory dropped down to a walk and I had to kick her back up again. 

Afterwards Meg asked us all what we did well, and what we needed to improve. Of course the biggest thing for me was the speed, and keeping Rory in the second corner. I assured myself that I would work on that.

At the end of the lesson, both Rory and I were sweating. Apparently Meg liked my idea of switching horses. "We'll all switch horses next week," she told us. I get to ride Secret.

"All right," Meg said, snapping me out if a four-foot-jump fantasy. "What would you all like to try next week? I think we'll do a jumping lesson."

Immediately, Liv raised a hand. "I would like to try cantering jumps."

"Jumping without stirrups," I called, always ambitious.

Meg took it a step further. "Why don't we jump bareback?"

A chorus of "yes"es rang out. 

So I have something to look forward to.

Bareback jumping and a new pony.

I would toast to that.

As I sit here writing this, I feel a rush of excitement. I love riding, and I'm learning so much more so much quicker now. I could canter jumps with Rosy, I think, no effort. 

Okay, maybe some effort. But I could.

That thought doesn't make me quite as sad anymore. It simply reminds me of the hole inside me that, though enormous, is getting smaller every day. I'm getting better. Eventually, I suppose, I'll feel normal again. More likely when I'm not wearing a mask every time I step outside.

Speaking of which, I'm getting my first COVID vaccine shot tomorrow. I'm equal parts worried and excited, because this means a more normal school year next year, and I get my Ottawa trip(!), but everyone has been saying it hurts. I don't like pain, unless it is self inflicted.

God, that sounds like I'm trying to make myself suffer. No, I just dig my fingernails into my palms when I'm angry, as a way to remind myself that I exist and there is more than anger, and also to prevent myself from punching someone.

I run my finger over my palm. No half-moon indents today. 

I slap absentmindedly at a bug bite on my leg. I regret going to the cottage, now I'm home. Bug bites are awful, and my hair is a mess. It'll take three showers to get back to normal. At least.

My thoughts drift to my new book. Perennial, I'm naming my main character. I love the name, and it can be shortened to Penn for when she thinks she's human. 

I really should stop planning new books, when I'm already working on three. But I love the ideas almost more than the writing itself. I'll be able to concentrate better when I have a desk, I suppose.

I stand and wander over to my bed, dropping down on my back and picking up my e-reader. I begin to type in the four-digit password and lose myself in a world of fiction.

It's funny, really. Reading a physical book is basically inked-up-tree-piece-induced hallucinations. I laugh at the thought and start to read.