She's an Avery

Chapter 11: Alone Again

It had been hours since Leo found her body. The front door opened and Zola and Bailey came running into the kitchen. When they saw her, and her blood, and her pain, they stumbled, they cried, they died a little. Hands shaking Zola called her mother.

When Meredith Grey came walking through the door she kept a strong face. She had lost so many people in her life that she knew if she started crying she wouldn't stop. She sat down on the ground next to Leo, who still had her body in his arms. She started stroking her hair. The room was quiet. Everyone still crying, everyone hurting silently.

"She'll finally know him," Meredith started. "She always said that she wanted to know him and now she will." She was talking about Derek. Ellis's father, who died before she was born. By now everyone was in the kitchen. Maggie and Amelia were there, and the rest of their family. Then sirens. Not sure if it was an ambulance or cops or both. Everything was a blur. I just remember someone driving us to the hospital where they then called time of death, even though she had died so many hours before, just nobody could do anything.

"...4:18am" she was dead.

Days, weeks, months went by and nobody was okay.

Bailey was finally coming back to work. I had talked to him a lot recently. He had to come back to stay sane, but he definitely wasn't ready to go back into the O.R. He walked into the doors of the hospital but he was completely dissociated form the world. We locked eyes, his eyes had lost that sparkle, the one he has always had since that first night in the oncall room. I wanted to go and hug him and tell him that it was going to be okay, but if I did that he wouldn't be okay. Everytime I hugged him he broke down. And by the way he was looking at me I could tell he didn't want me to even be near him. He wanted to be alone.

I was working on peads with Camillia Edwards today, but I was never really there. All day all I could think about was Bailey and Ellis.

"Kepner Avery! I get it you just went through something huge recently, but you came to work so you are going to work. Got it?!"

"yea..." I snapped back into the world. I was fine, just distracted, but I caught a glimpse of Bailey from the corner of my eye. He could tell that I could see him and he shook his head. I had been talking to Bailey a lot recently, like I had said, but it was more of me talking at him. He rarely answered back, and if he did it was most likely going to be a one word answer. He was my boyfriend-i hate that term so I did just cringe too don't worry-and I haven't had a substantial conversation with him in like three months. I tried to give him space but I think I may have given him too much. I ran after him as he had walked away. I pulled him into a supply closet.

"Finally, I've been wanting to since....but you haven't even touched me since...that night." He pushed his body against mine and tried to kiss me. I backed off.

"Bailey! I don't want to do this right now. But...we need to talk."

"About what...her? Hair I'm fine."

"No. No you're not. You haven't said ten words to me since she died until now."

"Exactly, I can talk to you now, so i'm fine."

"You are trying to trick yourself into thinking you aren't having any feelings by having sex, that isnt healthy."

"Ya know what, NO! You don't get to tell me what is healthy and what isn't. You're a surgical resident, not a shrink. And if you're going to get mad at me for, for this..then I can't be with you..." He walked out. He got really defensive outta nowhere, broke up with me-I think. And then walked out. Maybe this is just him grieving and he doesn't actually mean it, but he was gone. I walked out of the closet. He was nowhere.

I wanted to call Leo to tell what happened and to talk to him, but after Ellis died he disappeared. Nobody has heard from him since.

So I was alone. Bailey was gone. Leo was gone. Ellis was gone. I could talk to my dad, but I didn't want to. He would just want to talk about how I'm feeling and honestly I don't even know. I was alone. She left me alone.