Darling, just hold on

38. I promise

Saturday 11/06/2011

Jay's POV

It's early when I wake up. The house if really quiet. When I come downstairs, I see Louis sitting next to the window, staring outside.

'Good morning boo, what are you thinking about?' I say.

'Good morning mom, I don't really know. About everything you said yesterday. Why didn't you tell us earlier that you were sick? I would have stayed home to help. I should have noticed.' He speaks.

'That's the thing. I didn't want you to put your and Harry's lives on hold just because I'm sick. I wanted you to have a fantastic time in America. I went to all my treatments while the girls were at school and you and Harry were in London or in America, just so you wouldn't notice.
So please, don't blame yourself. I want you to live your dreams, to be who you want to be, to write and sing the songs you've always wanted to write or sing, but didn't allow t yourself to.'

'But how can I go on without you? You have always been the one to encourage me. I know that I can never be strong enough without you here, I know that I can never match the level of singing ability with the other lads or Harry.
I mean, Zayn, can relate to me on a nerves level. In the first year we were both the least confident. But Zayn has a fantastic voice and for him it was always about owning that. Niall is very lovely and has an amazing voice. Liam always had a good stage presence, same as Harry, they've both got that ownership. Harry comes across very cool. Liam's all about getting the crowd going, doing a bit of dancing, and then there's me. I'm not good enough for a solo carrier.'

'Yes, then there are you. My amazing, crazy talented, super kind and not to mention good looking son. You may have a different voice then Harry, Liam, Zayn or Niall but that doesn't mean it's not good. It is what makes your voice stand out and carry most of the choruses in the band's music. You have the most writing credits out of all four of them and thanks to that, the lyrics of the songs you sing with One Direction, aren't all lalalalala and nananana. They have so much meaning so never say you have less talent than the others.
I know you've wanted to make solo music like the other boys for a long time. You don't have to make an album immediately, just start with a single and see how that goes. And before you start, I know you've already written solo songs you've never released so no excuses that you aren't able to write solo music.' I tell him and he starts to cry in my arms.
'And you don't need to be strong all the time. Everyone has their weaker moments but you have a big family, either they are blood-related or not, behind you to support you. And I'm sure we are all gonna be there when you perform your first solo single for the first time and for all the songs and performances that will follow.'

'Thank you so much mom.' He sobbed.

'It's okay, but I do need you to promise me something.'

'Anything.'

'Promise me, to follow your dream and not to hold back while doing so. Do it for yourself because you deserve it. I wanted you to promise also to be there for your siblings but I know you will do that anyway.'

'I promise. I will try to not let you down.'

'You have never let me down and you never will. I will always be proud of you.' I say and we cuddle some more.

Jay's POV

After my cuddle session with Louis, we made a pick-nick basket together and went upstairs to wake everyone up. Louis and I decided a family pick-nick would be good to lighten up the mood from last night.

We have just finished the pick-nick but I want to talk to Harry alone for a moment.

'Louis, can you take the kids to the playground with Dan? I want to talk to Harry alone for a moment.
'Yeah, no problem.' Louis answered and with that, the six of them left.

Harry's POV

'Harry, how are you?' Jay asks the moment everyone left.

'I'm okay I think. I'm not sure yet. It is a lot to take in.'

'I know. I've had a chat with Louis this morning and he told me he had it difficult to stay strong. I know you find it difficult too but can you help him? You are so strong but you don't have to be strong all the time. Louis will be here for you too when you need it. You have lost a lot of people in your live too, but you always manage to keep going and I really admire that about you.' Jay tells me. 

She clearly doesn't know about all the times I've cut or thought about just giving up. Now I know I have to tell her.

'I was not strong. You made me strong. You, Dan, Louis, the little kids, and the lads from the band. I've never told anyone but I did things to myself to ease the pain. There have been a lot of moments I just wanted to end it all, but I could never really do it.
I haven't cut since I've been living with you and your family, which I can say now is also my family. You, Louis, Dan, the little ones and the lads have been there for me every second. Every time I started spiraling down, there was someone to catch me and help me back up.But when you are gone, I don't know if I will be able to stay as strong as I am now.
From that moment on my birthday, when you took me home, you were like a second mom to me and then you and Dan adopted me and then you were officially my second mom.' I ramble with tears in my eyes.

'And all of us will continue to be there for you. I'm so proud of you for telling me. I know it isn't something you are proud of and you think it makes you week. Let me tell you, those scars are reminders for you that you are strong, that you never gave up and for that, you can be proud too.
And for what it means, you are my son. My third but second oldest son, and I love you like I love all of my other children.' Jay say and I start to cry. She replaces herself to sit next to me and starts to hug me.

'I promise I will be strong when Louis or one of the tittle ones needs me.' I say trough my tears.

'Thank you, and I know for a fact that they all see you like a big brother already. Well, maybe not Louis. He sees you as so much more.'

'I see him also as much more. Do you think we are more than brothers or more than good friends if we haven't done anything more than a peck on the lips? Does it still count as something more than a brother a good friend?' I ask her.

'Of course it does. Love is about being there for each other. I means you will put their feelings at the same step of the ladder with your feelings. It's about mutual respect. If that is there, it doesn't matter if you have snogged or had sex already. And I'm glad these are things you feel comfortable discussing with me.'

'Thank you Jay, I love you.'

'I love you too. Do you want to stay here for a little longer or do you want to go to the others?'

'Cuddle here a little more.' I say and that's exactly what we do.

We cuddle a little more before we pack our stuff to go to the rest of the family. Right before we leave our spot, Jay talks again.

'Harry, I know this is an overwhelming time for you, but you are starting your exam period in two days. I know that you are can do it. It is only two weeks and then you have two months of summer break, so please, promise me, study and revise. I know you can do it. Don't let this news distract you.'

'I promise, I will try. It is hard, but I also know that I'm smart enough to pass if I just revise. That way, I can also spend time with you and the family.'

'Sounds good. As long as you pass this year. After these 2 weeks, you only have your senior year left. Then you can explore the world while having your diploma.'

'Yeah, Dan and I already talked about how I could graduate at Christmas instead of at the end of the schoolyear with my homeschooling program, if I would start in August and spread the classes, it wouldn't be a problem for me he said.'

'Sounds good but wouldn't you want to take your time for your final year?'

'School has never been difficult for me except for science but Louis, Liam, Zayn and Niall proposed to me to go on tour with them, starting on third of March next year so I would like to be done by then.'

'That's assume. You really deserve that and I'm very proud of you.'

'Thanks.' I say and we start walking to the playground.

When we come home, I start revising.