Accepting Me

part 3

I wasn’t complaining cause the less I feel the better it is for me. I used to believe you have to be of a certain age to feel certain pain or a type a way but age as nothing to do with it, some people deserve happiness and others don’t am apart of the group that don’t deserve happiness but it’s cool.
That summer was a breaking point for me as much as I hide my emotions from everyone around me I cried behind closed door for the first week of summer I didn’t know why though but as soon as I entered my room and close the door it was like a dark gloomy cloud came over me and reminded me of past events and the dam of tears started to flow, I was currently remembering the time when I was fat shamed for the hundredth time by my classmate and when
I told my mom she agreed with them and told me that it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to lose a few pounds because I was shapeless she even went as far as to talk me on long walks for no reason and having me run for miles, I then found out a year later that those quality time that I spent with my mother wasn’t so we could build our mother and daughter bond no it was to unsure I got in shape and so that she wasn’t the mom with the fat child in the moms club,
i wasn’t skinny like the other girls but I also wasn’t a plus size I was somewhere in between but yet still that wasn’t enough to please these people, some people might think the long walks and miles long run was a good idea but not when I was asthmatic and never got a break not even when I started throwing up, I realized that mother didn’t care about my wellbeing or our relationship back then she just wanted a daughter to show off and brag about with her friends.
I sobbed even more when I remembered that my other siblings didn’t get this treatment only me I wonder if I was broken or if something was wrong with me why I was the only one picked on in school, bullied for being chubby, laughed at because I wasn’t the smartest or prettiest, this hurt even more when you hear your parents compliment your other siblings and treat them special but you were left with nothing and no one, the tears kept coming as I sat on my bedroom floor remembering my childhood. i took out my phone to watch
funny videos so I could cheer up but all that was on my instagram was models I mean these where kids from my school but they were all so beautiful posting about their wonderful summer vacation and stunning bodies, it just made me cry even more seeing all the people that liked and commented on how beautiful they are, I was jealous of the fact that they were indeed beautiful which led me to believe god has favorites, more tears spilled out of my eyes because no one was ever going to pick me,
I wasn’t beautiful in anyone’s eyes not even my own, I dread the thought of looking in the mirror most days I couldn’t stand the sight that I was forced to see. As much as others hate me I hate myself more so I didn’t blame them, a fat, clumsy, ugly dark skin girl with short thick hair wasn’t deserving of love, there was no knight in shining armor coming to safe me, no prince charming no one, so I sat there in my room crying my eyes out until I drifted off to sleep on the floor.
I work up the next day quite early than usually feeling lifeless, I got up put my phone to charge and went to the bathroom to freshen up with the memories of last night in my head, the house was quiet so I figured the family left for their vacation without me, they asked if I wanted to go with but I know that no one wants me there anyways so I declined and told them I was fine staying home and I would probably just go to one of my friends house which I didn’t have so I was just going to be home alone for the month they weren’t
going to be home, which I was fine with, one less judgmental eyes and conversations to avoid.