Accepting Me

part 4

I was just a whole bunch I made it to the bathroom and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I indeed floor like a zombie right out of the walking dead, I felt the tears welding up in my eyes ready to call it quits and just let go but I held back the urge, I freshen up and got myself ready for my first day home alone, went back to my room when a notification came on my phone, I unplugged it and check to see what it was, it was a link to a video in instagram sent by one of my ex best friends, don’t judge the only reason I still follow her social media to see if she was ever going to try rebuild our friendship or something and to see how great her life was yes,
yes I know wallowing in self-pity and giving stalker vibe but I couldn’t help it back then. But back to the video I clicked the link and what I saw made the flood of tears from early spilled out like a tub overflowing with water, on the screen was a video of me that they made with them cutting up all our photos together that had me in them not that there was a lot, other pictures of us with me cut out long paragraphs about how ugly I was and that my ex was only with me to get with the other girls in the friend groups, how I cheated on exams and I wasn’t actually smart.
of negative things about me from disturbing videos to photos even comment of people I don’t even know saying things about me even my ex posted personal stuff we talked about and sent him, I couldn’t take it anymore, I dropped the phone on the bed and rush to the bathroom with foggy eyes from all the crying I know I told myself that I wasn’t going to self-harm but right now I didn’t want to feel anything but pain from the blade and the numbness that follows. I took the razor from the drawer and peeled off the wrapper and looked in the mirror for some reason I wanted to see that I looked like, I put the blade on against
my skin and braced myself, this time I was going to cut deep enough again I have nothing to lose everyone seems to hate me so might as well make everyone’s wish come through right, I zoned back into reality and looked in the mirror again readying myself to drag the blade across my skin above the other scares, one…two……three, I closed my eyes to focus but I just couldn’t do it this time, I didn’t want to end it know I realized, I was too young, what about my dreams more tears came and I dropped the blade and fall to the floor crying my eyes out wonder what the hell I could of done to deserve this much hate, i cried for about an hour and I half I was surprise I had that much tears left in me.
I got up and wiped my eye looking in the mirror at my lifeless eyes and gloomy reflection, clothes soiled with tears eyes puffy and red, I looked as if I was thirty, I didn’t like this feeling anymore, I needed something to make me feel alive or numb I needed to block out the thought that kept rushing in my head, they were so loud, in fact too loud and I needed to drown them, but how. I remembered that my dad as an alcohol cabinet in the kitchen, he would mind if I drank any of his liquor actually my parents don’t care that much about what I do, so I shrugged to myself and went to the kitchen, I wasn’t a drinks so I just grabbed the first half full bottle I saw in the cupboard and chugged it down, If I was at a party I wonder probably being cheered on for my bravery or
something, I wasn’t the party type so I wouldn’t know, it was a bitter sweet taste but I liked it what I didn’t like was that it burns your throat but I pushed that to the back of my mind took another bottle think this one’s called vodka, I took a glass as well and poured myself a glass, I down that glass in under five minutes and poured myself another but something was missing, it then clicked in my head that it was too quiet in hear so I went to my room for my phone and finished the other glass on the way, I could feel a little buzz as describe in the stories I read so I know that the liquor is starting to kick in I grabbed my phone and giggled when I saw another comment from the posts about me, I don’t need them to be happy just watch me I said to myself I with that thought in mind I exit the post and went back to the living room to pour another glass and connect my phone to the Bluetooth radio, there is no problem music can’t fix, at this point the alcohol was fully registered in