A White Rabbit in Summer

The Lazarus Girl

February 3

It's been a week and I haven't seen Princess Platypus.

I can only stay by the gate for about thirty minutes. Then the cold gets to be too much and I have to head home. I saw the arctic fox again today. I know it probably doesn't mean anything, but she keeps looking right at me. I think I should name the fox. In her winter coat, I want to name her Katherine. I wish I could see what she looks like in the fall. I keep thinking that I should bring her something to eat, but foxes can be trouble. There's some chicken farms not too far from the gate.

I know that I should've written more, but I got a phone. So many people are reaching out to me. Yes, some of them are the press. I've been telling everyone the same lie, but I don't have to tell you if I repeat a lie, right? I don't know. I wish I could talk to Judge Cobra.

They want me to do an interview over Zoom. It sounds so boring, but it could help me get back to school. That's really all I want right now. I've been through three more physicals. They keep poking at my scars. They've told me that they believe me about the scar tissue being old, which is good, but I don't think they believe me overall. They keep asking me questions about how I got the scars but I can't tell them.

Lily and I are best friends again. She came over and hugged me and she cried for like an hour. My leaving was hard for her. I've had to spend a lot of time just hugging her and reassuring her that I'm alive and that everything is going to be back to normal now. She wanted to know why I did it.

I don't know why Bolly killed herself, but I know why I would.

I told Lily that I did it because I was off my meds and not thinking straight. I told her that I didn't want to live without Jad.

She got mad at me for saying that. Lily kept talking about how much she loved me and how much it hurt that I didn't feel the same way. But I love Lily. I've always loved Lily. It's just that there's always been this separation between us.

I met her after Wikella was defeated. She never got to know me before all the battles. I've always been a shy sad kid to her. She never got to see me when I was just happy to be alive. I liked that about her. I liked that Lily wasn't asking me if I was okay because as far as she knew, I was. She never saw me as someone who missed her friends. She didn't know that I was dealing with the death of my friends. And thanks to the Oath I never had to tell her.

Sashy taking off gave us something to talk about. I kind of talked about the trauma a little, but there was so much I could never tell her. I liked that distance it gave us. I liked that I had a friend that wasn't connected to the Rainbow Warriors and Wikella. I liked being with someone that didn't look at every animal with suspicion.

There's more to our relationship than that. I know that. I know that there are things that I haven't told Lily about, but I've already told you about it, Diary, so I don't need to talk about it again, right? Lily is my normal human friend. It's important that we're just happy and chill with each other, but things just keep getting weirder.

I don't like how Sashy's disappearance took our surface deep friendship from us. I don't like that Sashy knows about my panic attacks and how I think that attacks are coming for me when Wikella is dead. I liked it better when we'd just gossip about stuff at school and I could just chill and read her stories. I miss her writing. I hate that she gave up on it just because she talked to her cousin in college. I f- I don't like him.

When I met Lily, I was her hero. I saved her from those cheerleader wannabes. I was there to stand up for her when she was just the awkward new girl and that meant that I got to have a best friend. She was the only person I ever saved without my wand. She always thought I was cool. I loved seeing that in her eyes and I can't tell her that.