A White Rabbit in Summer

Confessions

February 26

I dreamt this morning that I went to see Brandon and he whipped his dick out. He was like trying to show me how people head banged with it. The weirdest part was that I just sat there with a plastic smile on my face. I nodded and went "cool, man." So when I woke, I didn't want to talk to Brandon. I laid in bed with my head on the foot of the bed and stared at the wood grain for probably an hour. Mom checked on me and I told her that I was fine. I got a couple texts, but I didn't want to check them. For some reason, the only thing that got me out of that funk was when Tiff called me; something about the incessant buzz against the wood made me answer.

She was getting a breakfast burrito and talked me into going out with her. I tried to tell her "no," but I didn't try very hard. Tiff got me to chuckle by telling me, "if you're gonna be a mope, it's better to do it with friends." It didn't make any sense, but going out with Tiff felt easy. I put on some of my old clothes and Tiff called me, "Holly classic." It was weird having Tiff refer to my past.

One thing about Tiffany Taylor that I don't think I've mentioned, is that the girl can eat. She ate a breakfast burrito and an entire order of Irish nachos basically by herself. According to Tiff, breakfast burritos are the perfect food for dealing with a hangover. I made a fool of myself in front of her, asking "should you drive with a hangover?" It really cracked her up. She said it was basically just like having a headache.

I think Tiff knew I had a lot going on in my mind, so she kind of just let me eat and chill, but she didn't go on her phone or anything. Even after we were done eating, we sat in the car and listened to the sound of the rain pelting the roof. I love the smell of the wet earth. Some people hate running out in the rain, but I'd be okay if it rained every day. There's something about how the drops collect and make little rivers on the windshield. Those drops got somewhere to go. I almost cried thinking about how I don't. Summer is coming but I still have my white fur.

"Are you a virgin, Tiff?"

"No. Thank [f-word], no."

I didn't know if she wanted to talk about it, so I didn't pressure her, but she was waiting for me to say something more.

Her first time was with this guy she met on summer vacation. She said it helped to know that no matter what, he wasn't going to talk to anyone at school, but he didn't seem like the bragging type. Tiff described him as one of those stoner types, but he was really into dance and he tried to do all of this parkour stuff. They were both kind of shy, so Tiff had to make the first move.

"He'd be dancing and sometimes I would just watch him and bite my lip. I got tired of watching him writhe on the ground and wondering what sex was like, so I was gonna do it. One day we ran out too far and had to take a bus back. I took his hand and told him straight up, 'I wanna [f-word] you.' He..." she laughed thinking back about it. "He was like, 'pretty sure I'm the one who has to do the [f-word].' After that, it was kind of like a challenge. You know, we hooked up, and I focused on what we were doing. At some point, I thought he was going to say he loved me and I told him I'd punch him. The laughing helped. I've heard some girls really hate their first time.

"But, I mean, you and Jaden are going to be different. You still haven't done anything, right?"

"No." I chewed on my straw. If it bothered Tiff, she didn't tell me. "It was awkward last night. He was a gentleman, but I really didn't know how to act. I kept thinking about what you told me."

"What were you worried about?"

"Everything. If he was all over Fifi, then why was he able to be so patient with me? Was I a bad girlfriend for not putting out right away? Was I overthinking everything? I don't know. I didn't have any answers. Something that my mind kept coming back to was about how dating Jad was nothing like how I thought it was. No dates going out to the movies. We didn't spend every lunch together holding hands. I barely see him at school."