A White Rabbit in Summer

The Caged Rabbit

I just got through talking to Baden on the phone. He wants to come over, but I repeatedly told him not to. There's too much weird magic stuff that I can't have him getting mixed up in and it was hard enough to say goodbye over the phone. I did it. I told him that I was living on borrowed time, that my return came with a cost and that it was a cost that I couldn't pay. He kept asking me to elaborate, but I didn't. All I could do was try to convince him that I love him and that I was sorry.

Things have gotten so complicated in my mind. It's like a house with a new door everywhere I turn. Every closet door leads to a hallway or a living room and those doors lead to bedrooms which in turn have closets. I need to clean this house. I need to pick up all my things and vacuum the floor, but there's no end to the mess in one room. Every bit of rubbage is part of a thick pile without end and I have nowhere to put everything even if I did.

I close my eyes and five different problems come rushing in at once. Should I stay here? How do I tell Bily goodbye? How can I stop Slauson and Finn? How am I going to kill Wikella? How do I make up for all the wrong that I've done? Maybe I can't undo everything. I feel like going back to live in my own world is a start.

Aily was right. People don't have an escape. People have to live with the lives that they have. If they want things to be better they have to work to get those better lives, even if they're not perfect. Is growing up about getting better at making compromises? I really hope this is just a high school thing, but what kind of job am I even going to have? I have no skills. My grades are shishido peppers seeds: small and edible.

Finn is here. I'm going to text everyone goodbye, and then I'm calling Detective Slauson. I can't keep stalling.

---

Tiff said that she was really going to miss me. She asked me if there was any way that I could stay, that I should do that instead. She said that even if it meant becoming a fallen angel, that I should fall from grace. According to her it's overrated. It probably is, most lies are.

Talking to Brandon was different. He didn't try to bargain. Brandon just wanted to thank me. He knew that my kiss didn't mean anything to me, but it meant a lot to him. He kept looking in the mirror and touching his malformed lips and saying, "she kissed me." Knowing he was kissable felt good. He told me that he has a crush on me and that he's liked me since the first moment he saw me, but he thought that something couldn't ever happen between us. Even though he was right, he was wrong.

I would've kissed Brandon back. I would've been his girlfriend. He has a beautiful heart and a celestial mind. Every time I talk to him I reconsider my life and see my past with fresh eyes. He's the kind of person I need in my life, even if it's just as a friend. It doesn't help me to surround myself with people who think like I do or even like each other. Moving forward, I need to be friends with people that aren't popular. I don't think he even wants to be.

Brandon's going to try going back to school. He said that he couldn't have done that without me. I don't think that's true. I think Brandon is going back to school because he's a brave person who really understands his soul, but maybe I helped him in a small way. Either way, I'm glad he's gonna try again. I hope it works out.

Thinking about Brandon and Tiff gives me hope. I didn't trick them into liking me. They became my friends because of who I am and there will be people like them in my world. I'll be able to start over with new friends and this time I'm not going to hurt them. This time I'm going to tell them everything. No matter what happens with my attempt on Finn's life, I'm not going back to the Magical Castle. I'm going to break the oath and try to live a normal life.

Calling Bily was hard.

I didn't think she would even answer the phone. She answered the phone with a cold, "what?"

"I'm leaving soon. I wanted to apologize and say goodbye. Please don't hang up." When she didn't answer I did my best to make things right and be honest. I don't have a lot of experience with that second one.

"It's okay that you're mad at me. I hurt a lot of people to be here, so I'm not coming back. I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for coming here and playing with your emotions. Your Holly loved you, she loved you more than I ever could. I want you to know that her leaving had nothing to do with you. Every month, every week that she was alive was in part because of you. You helped her so much! You made it easier for her to deal with life and kept things from being hopeless, but she couldn't keep it up.

"You once described the pain of isolation as being a white rabbit in summer. For her, it was like being a caged rabbit on the windowsill. She could see the warren. She remembered what the grass and her friends smelled like, but it wasn't something she experienced anymore. All she could do was stare out that window and wish for a better life. She would've wanted to apologize to you too, she couldn't keep waiting for that cage to open."

Bily was crying on the other line. I waited a moment for her to say something, when she didn't I said goodbye.

"Holly."

"Yeah."

"Don't...don't give up on that cage. Okay?"

"Okay. I love you."

She sniffed back tears and told me, "good luck."

Finn is back. Everything is going to happen now. Three people lie between me and a normal life. I can kill three more. I can still save the world.