A White Rabbit in Summer

Boy Problems

March 3

I'm staying home today. I was going to go to Lily's house but she went to school. I don't want to go back to school until the meds are making me a good person again. I guess it can take another week to get readjusted, but it might take as little as three days. I feel better than I did yesterday. Thanks for letting me sleep last night, Diary. I probably lied to someone about something yesterday, but I honestly don't remember what I lied about.

School was fine yesterday. I thought it was the worst day ever because I was all agro about Lily, but I was flipping about little things. I poked my gums with my toothbrush. I spilled OJ on my shirt. I dropped my history book and the pages landed in mud tracks. But honestly all of that stuff wasn't even a big deal. I ended up being such a bitter cookie that I blew Jad off at lunch. I'm so glad he came over yesterday and we talked. He told me that he didn't kiss Lily back because he knew he didn't really like her, he just thought she was cute, and she is. Lily's a beautiful woman. What kind of a girlfriend would I be if I got mad at Jad for things that he did before we even started dating?

Mom's at work and it's pretty boring right now. I'm so bored that I'm actually doing homework. I think I'm going to invite Brandon over.

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I fell asleep on Brandon's arm. I drooled all over his shirt and he didn't even wake me. I made him promise to wake me if that ever happened again. I don't want him to be afraid of me. He says he isn't but he's kind of afraid of everyone. He's a really cool guy. I was thinking about his situation and then I had a cool idea: what if he and Lily were dating? Then she wouldn't be tempted to go back to sleazy college guy and Brandon could build up his confidence and go back to a real school.

I just wish that I was popular enough to host a party. I guess I could but it would be lame if it was just Jad, Lily, Brandon, and me. If I did that then it would totally feel like a double date and I don't want them to think that I'm trying to get them together, even though I am. I still haven't told Brandon about Jad, but I really don't think he's interested in me. He was just trying to help me the whole time, we were never gonna be a thing.

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Jad surprised me by coming over! We only got to be alone for like thirty minutes before Mom came home, but those were some hot thirty minutes. I was honestly starting to think about using those condoms when I heard the front door open. I was going to wait until I got on the new medication, or at least until the anti-anxiety pills kicked in, but I don't know now. Jad only kissed Fifi because he was going to break up with her. They "kissed hello." Jad and I do that all the time. I guess the thing that I should be the most mad at him about was him lying about breaking things off with Fifi before he did, but he was worried about me. I'd just killed myself.

March 6

I'm gonna go to Tiff's house this Friday for sure. Jad said he would go too. I want to pick out a cool outfit, but I'm not sure what.

I apologized to Lily at school, for like the fourth time, but she was whatever about it. Lily didn't even seem to care. I didn't even see her at lunch. Amber said that Lily gets like that sometimes. We kind of talked about meds and how most of us were on one kind of drug or another. Indra said that she's actually on birth control because she gets really bad cramps and it evened out her moods. I wonder if I could go on birth control without Mom thinking that I was going to have sex. It might be a little too late for that now.

Oh, I told my bio teacher that I forgot my homework, even though I didn't do it. She didn't care. The teachers really are going to give me A's no matter what.

March 8

Ugh! Right when things felt like they were finally starting to settle down again, this happens?