A White Rabbit in Summer

His House

February 24

Met Brandon this morning. He was there yesterday. He said he made a pyramid of stones in my place. We traded numbers. I think he'd been wanting to do it for a while. In his defense, Brandon didn't flip for getting it. We didn't really talk about music today. I think he could see that I was feeling bad.

I've been wondering if the meds I'm on are frying my brain. It felt good at first, but when I think about the past couple weeks, or even the past few days, my brain is all over the place. I don't feel like me, which is kind of the point, right? I came here to get away from my life, to get away from me and my old friend, misery. It's not gone, not really, but there's this like haze around me. When things get bad I'm not consumed by that scratch on my heart, but shouldn't I be? Is how I'm reacting now normal or are these drugs hardwiring my brain?

Brandon said that stopping cold turkey might not even be helpful because I'd be expecting to feel bad or to feel things bigly like before. Bigly was my word for how it was before. Brandon thinks that people talk themselves into being in a mood. Like if I'm going to the store to buy cake, I put myself in a good mood and I might focus on a cute boy or a cool song on the way, but if I'm going there to buy tampons I'm already not having it.

He talked about this thing called "Listening to Gaia." The idea is to experience life without expectations and only react to what's there and not what you're feeling. He's been training himself to do this by listening to music and sitting. Sometimes when he turns the music off, he says that he can hear the heartbeat of Gaia, that he can feel her breathing.

When I told Jad about this, he said, "isn't that just meditating?"

Okay, but is it? I've never meditated myself, but that doesn't sound like what meditation is. Isn't meditation just sitting there and breathing? It's supposed to be calming, but I don't think you're supposed to listen so much as you're supposed to close your ears.

I really want to call Brandon and talk about this stuff, but it's like nine o'clock. I can just talk to him in the morning anyway.

Today was pretty chill. I think talking to Brandon helped. Yeah, that's what therapy's supposed to be like, but it's always the opposite for me. It doesn't matter if it's this therapist that Bolly had or the school counselor. They want to fix me. That's why they're there, because I'm "damaged" and they're here to fix me. Except they don't really fix me at all. They just make me think about how I think and offer advice that probably wasn't even helpful when they were kids. I feel like between you, them, and Jad, I have like four people listening to every little thing I do.

Not that I resent you or Jad. Sometimes I just want to exist.

Tiff was totally cool about me not going to her house on Friday. I offered to go watch her play and she went, "why?" Her face had me rolling! I'm going to go anyway, especially since it sounds like no one ever goes to watch their games. I told her that I was going to Jad's house on Friday and she offered to pray for me!

Tiff and her friends told me all these stories about how meeting the parents is usually a sign that you're going to have your first really big fight. It sounds like most relationships don't survive a fight. They told me all these stories about how guys would just drop bombshells like, "our daughter's going to be named, Melody," or talk about how he doesn't like her friends. I think Jad and I already had our big fight though, when we were talking about Fifi. Tiff says she doesn't even bother with meeting parents anymore. She was like, "as long as I'm still getting my period I don't need to know his dog's name." She's so funny!

I guess when a guy invites you to his house it means that he wants to bone there, but he doesn't want his parents to flip when they come back from the store or whatever. I mean, if I had to choose between his house and mine I'd probably want to be at Jad's. We talked about sex last night and a little today. We both want to. I want to and I've decided that I'm not going to apologize about that anymore. Diary, if you don't want to hear about my love life or my sex life, you can just send someone through the gate to tell me otherwise. I'm going to lose my virginity to Jad. I've made up my mind. It's just a matter of it being the right time and I guess the right place.