Nightingale

thirty-four

This one is a long one so buckle up! Also I missed you all!

Sitting in Harry's office with all of the boys yelling back and forth at me about how stupid it was for me to intimidate Howard to get information on Alan. Liam is really upset about it because I put myself in a dangerous situation but, in reality what could he have done? We were in an office building and my last known location was with him and if he killed me or harmed me it would come back to him. I know they are yelling because they are angry but only because they care but that doesn't mean it isn't making me uneasy.

"Parker you should've just told me to get it! We could have avoided the repercussions that are going to come from this!" Liam booms.

"You should've had us go with you!" Niall adds.

They continue to shout things at me but most of it just goes in one ear and out the other. I run my hands through the top of my hair slightly tugging on my roots while taking slow deep breaths and exhaling to keep myself calm. All of their voices have turned to static and my ears are ringing. Some of their yelling turns into the way Martha's voice sounded when I was younger. Harry's office isn't small but with the intensity of the level of their voices and my body going into panic mode I begin to feel claustrophobic.

I try to keep my slow breathing pace and say, "please stop yelling at me" but it goes unheard.

"We are going to come up with a plan!" I hear Harry interrupt their yelling but it almost sounds like an echo in my muffled hearing.

"Please stop yelling." I say a little louder but it still goes unheard. My heart starts to race and I'm feeling uneasy and switch into fight or flight mode.

As my heart rate picks up my breathing is next to follow. My chest starts feeling tight and it harder to breath as sweat starts to build on my skin. I slowly think of a beach and name things off in my head that I would see, feel or smell if I was on one. A technique I learned to help calm me down after my night terrors or anytime I felt overwhelmed but it's not helping. I start bouncing my left leg up and down to distract myself from the unnecessary adrenaline pumping through my veins.

Harry must have gotten up out of his desk chair and came near me because I see him now kneeling in front of me. I watch as his mouth moves but I don't hear anything come out. He continues to move his mouth, looking away towards the boys and saying something that I again can't hear. When he places a hand on my knee is when my adrenaline kicks in and I push him harshly away from me before standing up and uncoordinated running out of the office, straight up the stairs into our room and book it for the bathroom. I slam the bathroom door shut behind me before pulling the glass door back, turning on the shower and stepping in fully clothed.

I sit down as the freezing temperature water soaks my body. My clothes absorbing it and clinging to my body. I'm shaking under the water as I prevent myself from crying. I'm in a safe situation, I know that but all of the yelling and shouting was just too much. I tried to get them to stop but clearly I didn't try hard enough. It's my fault they are even yelling in the first place so I don't really have a reason to complain, what I did was irrational and driving with anger and I deserve to be yelled at for it.

It's my fault. It's always my fault, this is what I deserve.

I flinch back, my break hitting the tile wall of the shower when I feel contact with my face and my eyes shoot open. Harry is speaking to me but there's no chance of me comprehending it with my ears still not working with me and the sound of the shower. My brain must have picked up on whatever Harry had said because I shake my head no. That answer must have been enough for him because he kicks off his shoes and slips off his socks, stepping into the shower and sitting down, keeping some distance between us.