Nightingale

forty-seven

September 16th, 2020

Body, forgive me.

I extend my deepest apologies to you. From the degradation you have suffered since age five, to the current behaviors that sicken your strength, I have harmed you.

Your hips match the curve of every planet, so why do I treat you as anything less than otherworldly? I opened you up, and let hurt seep into your grounded soul, never caring about the memories I would leave on your skin. I threatened your inner working systems, the gears in you that will only fit together for so long, and I pushed you to your limits, risking all you have brought me up to be.

So body, forgive me. You didn't deserve a host who treated you as the enemy. The battles I have fought in your bones were something you should have never had to prepare for, but thank you for being ready.

Thank you for not letting me drown in my sea of sorrow. Thank you for not slipping away in my quicksand of powders. You have kept me alive longer than I ever thought I would live and I am grateful.

But body, still forgive me for not seeing the stars in your imperfections, the universe in your eyes, the places you will go on your feet, and the hopes in your hands. You have been with me forever, so I vow to fight for your forgiveness, and to prove I believe in your worth.

Mind, forgive me.

Forgive me for thoughts I allowed others to put into you, for the cruel names you have been called over something you had no control over. You were once a battleground where fear and anger warred and despair bound love in iron chains.

You are not invisible. You are not unlovable. You are deserving of the best and nothing less.

I once was terrified of the way you thrived, but you were never thriving. You were trapped in a glass cage just waiting to get out and be free. You did all you could to get away from the darkness that surrounded you but nothing helped and that is my fault. I brought the darkness in with open arms, welcoming the intrusive thoughts, welcoming the hurtful comments, welcoming the demons, welcoming the harmful tendencies.

Now though, you are a place that is bright and beautiful, a quiet and peaceful place. You only become this way after I freed you from your glass cage and saw you for all your glory. You are now a place where love and kindness learn to walk once again.

But mind, forgive me for ever doubting your capabilities. You never deserved the pain that was caused to you.

I am happy, hurting, and healing at the same time. Don't ask me how I'm doing it because I don't know, but I'm doing it and I'm so proud of myself. When I look back on my life, I see pain, mistakes and heartache. When I look in the mirror I see strength, learned lessons, and pride in myself.

I never had trouble loving others, but loving myself was difficult. For years I didn't like myself no matter how confident I might have seemed. So, how could I love myself?

It has taken time, and there is still a long way to go but, I can say, not only do I like myself, but I also care about myself enough to start loving myself too.

What if the grass is always greener on the other side because it's always raining there. Where the ones who never fail to give, hardly have enough to spare. Where people with the broadest smiles have pillows filled with tears, and the bravest ones you've ever known, are crippled by their fears.

It's filled with lonely people, but they're never seen alone. Where those that lack real shelter make you feel the most at home. Maybe their grass looks greener because they've painted on its hue. Just remember, from the other side, your grass is greener too.