Nightingale

forty-eight

This chapter is a very long one so buckle up!

Another 2 months have gone by and I've been doing great. This is the best being sober has felt. I'm finally starting to see things past getting high to hide from the world, to hide from myself. I've learned how to cope with things within myself, actually work through my problems without the thought of getting high crossing my mind. It's the greatest feeling. The feeling of being able to go through my emotions, feel them completely and not run for the hills of cocaine, is one I never thought I would ever experience.

Other times I had been sober it never carried this feeling. It's a completely different experience this time around. It's not the feeling of having to be sober for whatever reason, it's wanting to be sober. While anytime I've been sober I wanted to be, it just always felt like I had to. Whether it was for a job interview, for a friend, for a family member, it was never for myself. It is now though, all of this is for myself.

I have never done anything just for myself, there is always some ulterior motive outside of just me. There are ulterior motives still but for once in my life I've put myself first. No one else, just me.

Harry didn't visit last month, his hit having taken place sooner than he planned but we've talked on the phone a lot. Callie and Louis visited last month along with Gemma. Niall and Liam went with Harry to Jamaica where the person they had to kill was vacationing, quite sad they killed them when they were on vacation. They could've waited until they got back home but I guess not. It was so great to see Gemma and Louis after a very long time. Same with Callie, who decided she was going to keep the baby, something about it beating the odds or whatever but both her and Louis are really happy about it and I'm over the moon for them. She even has a little bit of a baby bump now that she's 13 weeks along. Nothing super noticeable but she's always been on the smaller end of the scale so to anyone who knows what she looked like before its very noticeable.

It was quite odd to see her and Louis all touchy feely with each other for the first time, him with his arm around her back, even them kissing. It caught me off guard but I quickly got used to it. I don't think I've ever seen her this happy before and that's saying something about the girl who is always pretty happy. Now it's bright and early, around 7:30 in the morning and I've been staring at the locket Harry gave me. I can open it today and I really want to but I'm nervous. Part of me feels like I should wait until I get home this month to open it so I can be with him when I do.

On the other hand though I could just open it, appreciate it on my own and then open it again when I see him and act surprised but that would just be lying. The only time I have ever got any birthday presents was from Birdie. She gave me my first books, some of her paintings, even my first notebook to start writing books in. Martha never gave me anything, normally made the day a living hell for me but then Birdie would come swooping in and make the day a whole lot brighter.

Normally on my birthday Callie and I would get blackout drunk on one of our couches, dancing to music in the kitchen while we made dino nuggets. Why you might ask, well because we were blackout drunk and it was the only thing she had in her freezer that sounded good. From then on it became a little tradition of ours for both of our birthdays, acting like children while singing our hearts out to every song that came on and eating questionable meat that's marketed towards kids.

This year I think that's going to be a little different. Even if I wasn't in rehab, Callie isn't really in a position to be getting blackout drunk because she's, well, with child. I'm also spending my birthday alone which doesn't bother me too much. I just wish I could spend it with her.

I run the pad of my thumb along the engraving of the locket, I haven't taken it off at all, minus when I shower but other than that it's practically glued to my body now. I have a piece of Harry in how I dress now, the notion makes my heart swell. Even apart it's like he's right here with me. Maybe I'm not spending my birthday alone, maybe that's why he gave it to me early.