Nightingale

twenty

5000 words rewritten. I hope you know how much I love you guys cause I'm fucking tired.

Harry is passed out.

I mindlessly stare at his peaceful state. I slowly sit up and head into my room to shower. I walked around Vegas all night clearing my head. I've been trying not to let what Harry said last night affect me too much but I'm not going to lie, it really hurt. I just have a lot on my mind. I haven't been myself lately.

Harry says I deserve better, I know I do. I deserve kindness. Something else that I've really thought about is that even though bad things happen I have come out a much stronger woman because of them.

Maybe I overreacted a bit last night. I just don't want to see someone's life being taken away from them. That person has a completely vivid life just like myself. They have a story. I've watched too many people die. Granted it was a consequence they knew would end up coming their way but that doesn't change the fact that they still died.

I feel like this is hypocritical because I'm so worried about other people dying yet if it were me I wouldn't want to be saved. My first overdose wasn't an accident. I wanted to die. I did die but I was pulled back from the peace. I don't want to die anymore but I'm also not scared of it as one should be.

If someone asked me what my greatest fear is it would be being alone. I self isolate as punishment to myself but in reality being alone is something that terrifies me. That's why I'm back here. It's a stupid thing to be scared of but when you are alone you are forgotten. So be it if I'm just a distraction, at least he wants me around.

I get dressed in a red leather skirt and a black t-shirt that I stole from Harry. If he has an issue with it I could really care less. I also don't want my presence to seem like all is forgiven because it's not. Just because he said he's sorry that doesn't mean shit. I need actions to prove he is actually sorry.

I washed my hair twice yesterday so I didn't need to wash it today. My natural waves will have to do since I don't have anything to style it with. We are heading back to California today so it's not like I have to be super fancy if we are just going to be in the car.

I ordered some omelets for both Harry and I because he is going to need some food in his system. Once I hang up the phone for room service Harry stanters down the stairs.

"I ordered some breakfast and coffee." I state and pick at my cuticles.

"Can we talk about last night?" He asks and sits down in the stool next to me at the island.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Well I think we should."

"I have nothing to say but if you do go ahead." I state and continue to pick at my skin.

"I'm not used to having someone else around when I'm doing business so I honestly forgot that you were here."

"Wow that makes me feel so much better." I sarcastically state.

"Carolina I'm trying here."

"I don't know why you would try at all, I'm just a distraction right." I say repeating his words from last night.

"You know that's not true." Harry sighs and pushes some stray curls out of his face.

"Prove it then. I don't care how many times you apologize it won't mean shit. I need actions Harry."

The elevator dings and a hotel worker comes in with a cart of food. Harry stands up and tips the guy. I stand up and grab my plate and cup of coffee.

"They didn't get your coffee right. It's black." Harry states as we sit back down at the island.

"I ordered it that way." I shrug.