A Teen's Diary

Welcome to Hell

You remember I told you at the begining that I only had one friend. Ok I had a bit more but they were more secondary. They were very funny but there is something I have something to highlight they were VERY homophobic. Well, they used to say a lot of homophobic coments like they were sick and that they should have never born. It was very hard to be there hearing everyday all the shit they said. The worst par of this it's that Rob also said horrible things. He must knew how I was feeling and he didn't care. By months and months hearing that shit I started to have self-esteem issues again, it was very hard to be self conficent hearing all of that and I wasn't strong enough to get over it alone.

Thomas was also in that group but he wasn't homophobic. How I said before, the things they said made me feel very bad. I knew I couldn't get foward all that shit alone but, I don't know why, I was very ashamed of me. 

- Am I all that things they say?- I constantly thought- I really deserve to live? I really want to live?

I didn't want to bother Mia with all my own problems so I tried to overcome them. Spoiler, I couldn't. More time passed more I was ashamed of myself. I had lost the purpose of the life, to live. I was disgusted about myself in a lot of things. The only thing that made me want to live was my family and Thomas. Being with him was like a blessing, when I was with him the world disappeared and the only thing I could see was he and his eyes, black and so deep.

One of the hardest things I had to overcome was the detachment I was having with Rob. We were best friends since I entered to high school so, Why was he doing this to me? Why he enjoyed so much seeing me unhappy?

I couldn't endure it more, I thought that maybe it was a good idea to come out to them only to make them stop saying all they were saying. I was too exceeded that when I came back to home I cried. I cried a lot the first days but then I thought something. 

-Should I come out to Thomas? It's a good idea? What if he realises Im really in love with him?

A lot of questions  raid me. I was very nervous. 

I decided to come out to him  the 17th of December, this day I were decided to come out to him but the fear overcame so I didn'd to it. The next day I decided to tell it to him. This day was one of the best days I have had in my entire life.

18th of December. 

It wasn't until our penultimate class when I really decided to come out to him. Before this class I had a disscussion with a friend because he thought I was criticizing him and my other friend with Mia. He couldn't be so wrong, Mia was supporting me to come out to Thomas, she told me that he would be very supportive and that that step was very important to me, so I decided to came out to Thomas.

We were in our german class, we were sitting in front to each other but we were always turned around to talk. I was VERY nervous and I started trembling.

-Are you ok?- He asked me

-Yeah-I answered-Hey, Thomas, I have something to tell you.

-What is it? Are you ok?

-Look Thomas, I have looked the best way to tell you this, Im gay- I said

A deep silence aproached us, and then, he started to cry.

- I feel so bad Mike- He said- I have said things that may have hurted you. I feel so bad MIke

I tried to confort him but it was impossible to make him feel better.

-Im a bad person Mike, I don't imagine how hard has been to you to hear all the things we have said- 

- You haven't made me feel bad Thomy- I tried to confort him- Maybe the others had but not you.

Then something funny happened. Jack, the friend I had the discussion before asked him:

- Its because of the thing we know isn't it Thomas?-

He tought he was upset because I told him the conversation I had with Mia. I laughed inside, I was very happy. I really cared to Thomas, and that was very important to me. 

I won't forget a day like that 18th of December .

By the next days he cared a lot about me, he tried to avoid the LGBT conversations, he supported me when our friends said homophobic things... He was a very kind person. I knew I wasn't alone, I knew I could trust him no matter what, telling him my sexuality made  us closer. 

Our friends continued being homophobic and saying things I don't want to repeat or to think I wasn't good then, Im not good now but, as in the past, I have Thomas. Being with my friends and hearing what they used to say made feel very bad, I wanted them to stop so hard that I had a very bad idea.