A Teen's Diary

My Coming Out To My Friends

I wanted them to stop so I thought a very dangerous solution: coming out to my friends to make them realise how much the things they said hurted me and to make them stop, Spoiler they didn't do it, they never stopped. 

This made me think a lot

-Should I tell them Im gay?Should I not?- I would have done anything to stop them, I couldn't got foward while they were saying all that things.

It was very dangerous to tell my friends my true sexuality but when time passed I realised it was the best option
-If they really are my friends they will support me- I thought- If they don't support me its because they do not considerate me a friend.

I chosed the day carefully. It was Sunday, the next day, monday, we didn't have clase because it was a free day. I decided to tell them my secret that day by WhatsApp because I thought if they didn't accept me they could hurt me fisically. When I told them my sexuality I was terrified and trembling.

Most of them were supportive but Rob and Jacob weren't supportive at all. By the next days I tried to act normal like nothing happened it was quite stressing for me to because I was wondering If all my friends had truly accepted me. 

I forgot to say something, Thomas was straight so our love couldn't work at all. He told me he was straigth when I told him my sexuality. I was sad. I loved him so much and I couldn't be with him as the way as I wanted but I knew we also could be very friends, but only friends.
By the way the next days where quite normal but when the days passed Rob and Jacob started to separate from us. It was hard to see the person who had been your best friend for 4 years to separate more and more from you, and more if he separates from you by a reason like being gay.

Can you imagine how terrified I was? Can you imagine what would happen if Rod got mad at me? I can't imagine it, I know it. Rob used to be very kind and a good person, but when he and Jacob were together Rob was unrecognizable. The only thing that relived me was thinking he shouldn't do anything bad to me because I was his friend. I wasn't his friend. He didn't want to have a gay friend, that would be bad for his reputation.

I remember when Rob told me, months ago, he was in love with a girl. He was fascinated and I helped him to go through it as he helped me too. It was like an agreement I help you you help me. Oh, how I miss that days, that days when I wasn't concerned about anything, that days when I was happy for the only reason of living and be happy. Happiness. For me the nicest of the feelings, my only purpose in my whole life. Returning to Rob, I was living with continuous fear. I wasn't happy, in general.

The only thing that made me happy then was being with Thomas, he spread me with his happiness, the way he was... By that time I was trying to see him only like a friend and it was hard for me. This is now for you Thomas, I loved you so much I couldn't live without you, you were my anchor in a see full of waves. People can't control his feelings and I don't feel sorried about loving you because that feeling of love, that feeling made me happy, the feeling of being with the person you loved most in you life, a person you would never forget. Im a mess, Im always talking about Thomas...

When the days passed Rob and Jacob started to tell me bad things. The worst things came from Rob's mouth, they hurted me psicollogically. Im not talking about the usual homophobe comentaries, Im talking about Rob telling me my way of being was bad by different ways. I trusted him, and he made a hole in my hearth, a hole that can't be repaired, a hole that will never close. He told me that I had to change, how I couldn't be. He blackmailed me by different ways he played with my hearth like it were a ball. He did to me a lot of things I don't want to remember but he played with me, and only bad people do that.

When winter holidays came I was shattered I had anxiety all the time, I couldn't relax. I tried to seem that I was good, that I was strong. Guess what, I wasn't. I remember one day when I had an anxiety atack when I was playing with my friends. How I said before I tried to seem I was ok but I couldn't and I left. My friends worried about me but I told them I was Ok. Lie. The thing I hate to do, and the thing I do most. That holidays were very bad to me.