A Teen's Diary

Part 2 Of The Story

April 18

Hey how's everybody going? Im Mike and Im going to continue my story. This part it's going to contain a lot of: gender disphoria(not a lot but I had it), gender crisis and friends blaming my gender without knowing my true gender.

At first I would like you to know something important, when I came out to my parents they weren't supportive at all, I tell you why, when I came out to them as Bisexual, I was gay but I wanted to tell them I was Bi at first because I thought It would be very shocking if teld them I was Gay, they told me I was confused and that I couldn't know what I liked. I was quite hard to hear that from my parents so when I started to realise I wasn't a man I couldn't stop thinking if they couldn't support me as Bi how they would support me as Non-Binary Trans.

By the time, I told them I was Gay. When I told them that, they started telling me I couldn't tell it to my mates because they could hurt me. But they were also embarassed, I think, because anyone wants to be the father or the mother of the Gay of the family. Or that was their reasoning. They didn't tell me that, but I saw it in their faces.

So when I started to realise I wasn't cis, I have a panic attack and the anxiety came back. But it didn't come alone, the anxiety was accompained by the disphoria."Dysphoria" is a feeling of dissatisfaction, anxiety, and restlessness. With gender dysphoria, the discomfort with your male or female body can be so intense that it can interfere with your normal life, for instance at school or work or during social activities. I had social disphoria usually but learnt how to overcome it, because I couldn't tell ANYONE my real gender.

The reason I couldn't tell anyone I was enby was because I didn't trust anyone, I didn't trust anyone because I thought they wouldn't accept me and thats partially true. How I said, I lived in a enviroment very LGBTQ+-phohic so I was very scared of telling my feelings to someone. In consecuence of that I didn't anyone nothing, and that's not good. The time has teached me keeping your feelings inside is never something good.

September 5

So you think this is all? You think I finally found who I was? You are wrong. As you see this part has ben written with a difference of 5-6 months, and that's a lot. I know I was very convinced of me being Non-Binary(I have to confess you that as soon as I first identified as NB I wrtoe it in this story, maybe it was very soon, but I needed to talk with someone), but the reality is that a week after I started to identify as NB I realised that maybe it wasn't the most accurate label for me. I felt I was non-binary because I didn't feel a boy, but as the days passed I started to make myself this question a lot: How I feel? At first my answer was always:

-I'm not a boy, but I dont feel like a girl because im not as feminine as all the girls, right?- I constantly thought

I was very scared of realising I was a girl, I correct, I was terrified of realising i was a girl. Thinking I could be a girl caused me a lot of anxiety, I explain. Where I live being gay it's like the worst thing you can be, I grew up thinking gay people were demons and very bad persons. I used to hate gay people, i think, because I felt I was similar to them(in that age being transgernder was something unthinkable). The truth is that when I entered primary school I started to talk to some bad people who make me a lot of damage, but that's a story for another chapter.

As you see realising I was a girl wasn't easy, and accepting it was also something very hard and challenging, something I keep trying to do.