A Teen's Diary

Now Everything Will Get Better. I Hope...

I can't express my feelings when I got to school again, it was hard for me to seem good when I wasn't, I know it was a bad habit, but my friends helped me by being themselves. The thing most made me happy was being with Thomas, by that time I had overcomed my feeling of love about him and I only saw him as a friend. Thoma was like my therapy, he made me feel better by the single action of being with me and supporting me, even if he didn't know what was going on, for me that was a very good feeling.

By that time I didn't realised I was enby but I started to have more dysphoria. I know, this chapter it's about how I got better not about how I started to feel another kind of anxiety, I know but you will see how I get better. Dysphoria made me not to do things I wanted for the only reason of questioning me why I feel sometimes as not identified as a man as I would have to feel or why I felt sometimes more as a girl but not as a full girl. That didn't let me be how I really was. When I started to have names for my feelings I started to identify as demiboy. I was happy then because I thought I knew what my identity was then. How I said you before, Im Non-Binary (or that's what I think), you don't know what is it? I explain you, a Non-Binary person It's a person that doesn't feels like a man or like a woman, they have qualities of both binary genders but they doesn't fit in any of them, Non-Binary spectrum its infinite. The thing I most hated and hate now about my language it's that the non-binary pronouns are really weird(In english are they/them).

I always end talking about my gender or sexuality asdkqwkas. By the way, I started to feel better because of my friends, but some of them continued saying barbarityes about the LGBT community. I knew I couldn't control it but it made feel angry and sad.

-They are my friends but they still saying things that hurt me. Why? I know it's a joke but jokes hurt too.

My friends used to be all boys but I also got along well with girls. I started to talk a lot with Mia and her friends. They were super kind and they also helped me to feel better. I knew I could also trust in them so I felt I didn't need to pretend to be someone who I wasn't.

One day, when we were eating, we sat together and we started to talk about Rob.  Waking up that bad feelings wasn't good for me, it was hard to remember how they made me feel. Mia's friends noticed it and Mia, who knew how I felt and that they hadn't been good to me, supported me and told me that if I wasn't prepared to tell them that private part of my life I wasn't obliged. But I wanted to tell them, so I started to talk about all, to let my feelings control my words. 

When I come out to someone I get very nervous, now I know how to control it a little bit but not then. I started to tremble because of the anger, the fear and the feeling of freedom I always feel when I come out to someone. Why freedom, because if you are out to someone you don't need to lie to him about topics like love. To lie. I used to do it a lot and I also do it to keep myself safe from homophobes, but didn't have to lie then, and that was relieving for me.

Well, how I was saying I was trembling but I felt relieved. Telling Mia's friends my gayness and my problems with Rob and Jacob made me feel better. The worst thing for me was and is to be called sick. Like If gay were a sickness. Ignorance It's a sickness. Its a long way to achieve self pride, don't think I achieved it in one week or a month, It has been 2 years to achieve self pride. I started by Thinking I was bi and being repulsed about myself and Im ending by overcoming y identity crisis and being proud of who I am. Gay, enby and proud. 

It's Mike your he/they friend, ending this first part of the story.