A Teen's Diary

¿Why Life Is Better Than Death?

Where did I finished last charapter? Oh yeah, holidays, a holidays I won't forget. How I said in the past chapter I was very bad psycologically. Rob made me a lot of bad things and as if that were not enough he put Jacob againist me. How can I explain this, he used a very friend of mine to say or send me things that made me feel bad. What I said send? I said send because they didn't only tell me shit bodily, they also used to send a lot of homophobic things in some groups we had. What annoyed me most was when they hung out and sent me homophobic videos to made me feel bad or to provoke me.

A normal person can't go through them, its psycologically impossible. Well, Im a normal person, I couldn't go through it alone. Since that holidays I started overcome my feelings about Thomas, but not by a good reason. I only used to think about how bad I was and how the world would be better without me. I started to doubt make myself dangerous questions.

-Why's life better than death?-I used to think-If you are dead you don't have to deal with shit people. If you are dead you can't be hurt.

I've always been a very demanding person about myself. I study a lot because I feel good if I get good marks and if I get good marks I feel less scared about my future, more confident about myself. Future has always scared me, I fell insecure about it everyday.

-Will I achieve my final study goal? Will I achieve my life goal?

I don't know what's your goal in your life but mine is happiness. I think happiness it's something quite easy to achieve but very hard to keep.

Now that you have heard about my life goals im going to tell you something, it is something I have always thought, life isn't for everyone, some people are not made to live. O think im that kind of person. Or thats what I thought.

Why I say this? I say it because didn't want to continue living. By that days I was very bad psycologically and I didn't have that self esteem I used to have. I want you to understand why I had this feeling. The reason I had this feeling was because I was under a lot of pressure about my grades while I was having the awaken of my sexuality while I was trying to feel good about my self and bearing with all the comments done by Rob and Jacob, and the most hard thing I had to do was to try to seem that I was good in front of my parents. Now you would ask, Why you tried to seem you were good when you weren't? I don't know. And I don't know why I keep doing it.

All that anxiety and stress acumulated made me feel every day tired. I woke up tired and y lied down tired. Anything could cheer me up that holidays and that circle of bad thinking got worse and worse when the time passed. I know what are you thinking right now, why is this guy always complaining about his life? Im continually complaining about my life because I wasn't good. At this point at the story you may think that things couldn't got worse, you are wrong, they could.

Since holidays I started questioning my gender identity, this was the worst thing that could happen to then because my friends were SUPER conservative, they wouldn't accept me I told them I wasn't cisgender. I don't know how I didn't explode, it was psicologically exhausting to feel all that feelings and to try to seem good.

Now I may be boring you but  I need to tell you all this to make you understand why I thought why I thought. There is no excuse for my thinkings but I want you to undrerstand me.

The reason I didn't tell aninything to my parents was because my mother was also psicologically exhausted and I didn't want to make her worry about me. Well, I said I was confused about my identity, thats the gay life: you finally realise your sexuallity and then you got a gender identity crisis. I want to spoil you, I finnaly discovered I was enby. I got really happy when I finally labelled myself correctly. Enby, Non-Binary, It sounds good, it fits with me. 

 Ok, going back to the plot. When holidays finished all my feelings of anxiety boosted because of the pressure of getting good marks. One point of the anxiety it's that you don't know why are you feeling bad and you get worse and worse if you don't talk with anyone. So I wasn't an exception, I got worse and I didn't know why.

One day when I was very bad I was thinking very bad thoughts. What kind of thoughts? Suicidal thoughts. Im going to explain you why. I thought it wasn't a place for me in this world, I've always thought there are people that are not born to live, and I thought I was one of them. That day my brother tried to comit suicide. I was very shocked, angry and sad. 

-Why he has tried to do that?-I thought-It's not fair I was the one who had to do it.

I was angry because I thought he didn't have reasons to do it and because I saw what was for a Father and a Mother to see that. Then I realised that wasn't the path. Another feeling to add to my anxiety, the guilt for haven't seen my brother wasn't ok and the guilt because of what I could have done to my family.