Isnt life a bitch

The truth comes out

Not many things I have to be sure about in my miserable excuse for life but this is something I know is right! I belong here I should be here locked away from the world with people just like me, people who are sick and twisted in the head just like me... it's like Dr Quinn says the ten steps of healing and step one is recognizing my issues and my flaws. But what are my flaws? really what are they? I don't know.

Crossing the garden to sit by the fish pond I watched the ripples in the water and the little bubbles float to the surface and pop I kinda felt bad for them being trapped in the pond rather than being free to swim around in a beautiful river in a way I sort of felt like they did but that's stupid isn't it? I'm an adult, not a fish nor am a child anymore something I cant get through my thick fucking head I'm 23 years old I need to grow up! everyone my age have jobs and are starting a family what am I doing? poking a freaking fish pond in a rehabilitation clinic for the mentally unstable. And let's be honest that's what I am... I'm weak-willed, insecure, have a fear of commitment, scared of being emotionally attached to people the list can go on for a day but right now I needed to recognize my issues within myself so I could address them...

It started to get cold outside so I retreated to the arts and craft room to get a notebook and a pencil, from a young age I had discovered that I was someone who expressed myself by writing rather than talking and that why I wanted to be a writer so badly who knows maybe I can add this to my book and become a best seller? unlikely seeing as I don't want to make any references to Johnny in my book and let's be honest his name is a money maker and everyone wants to know everything about him and his life. No matter how mad I was or could be at Johnny id never what to compromise his personal life and his privacy like that. Sitting down at an empty table by the window that overlooked the beautiful view of a shitty town on the outside of the city.

Opening the cheap notebook I stared at the blank page before I picked up the pencil

My Name is Crystal and I have a problem, I have identity issues and have battled with suicidal tendencies since I was 13 I began to cut myself when I started high school and my mother became very ill. I developed a drinking problem at 15 and attempted suicide at 17 for the first time thinking that it would make things better however when I failed it only made things worse. At the age of 18, my father forced me into a life of prostitution to help pay for his habits, Whenever he felt I didn't make enough money he would beat me sometimes even starve me or rather most of the time starve me. 

 At the age of 20 I started to experiment with drugs starting with weed and moving onto heroin but after overdosing I stopped however as of 12 months go I have been abusing prescription sleeping pills and antidepressants along with abusing alcohol. I have become aware of my problems after having sex with a married man with a child who is married to my best friend. I am admitting I have been feeling out of control of my moods and emotions.

closing the notebook I took a deep breath and held it close to my chest as I walked back to my room through the gloomy halls full of nurses and doctors rushing around talking about a code blue... sounds like someone tried to off them self again sadly enough it happiness all the time here it's hard to heal yourself and grow as a person when everyone's dying...

***Steps to healing

1) Recognize

2) Talking about your thoughts 

3) Do whatever it takes to create a feeling of safety 

4) Routines

5) Proper rest

6) Nutrition and exercise 

7) Take affirmative action on your behalf 

8) Become aware of your emotional triggers 

9) Find what makes you happy 

10) surrounding yourself with family and friends ***