Isnt life a bitch

So long and goodnight so long and goodbye

its been 8 whole months and I'm starting to lose hope.... lose hope of healing and going back to my life. I have never felt so helpless and like my life is a waste as much as I do now! when I came here I wanted to make myself better but now... now I just want it to end! I don't understand what they have done to me! this place is a sickening poison and its eating away at me killing me from the inside without a trace for anyone to notice... help me!

Is Life like a circle isn't it? you start in one place and you always find a way back.. for me, iv found my way back to the headspace of the night of meeting Johnny. Closing my and sinking into the bath water I thought back to that night, the pain in my arms. My fingers ran over the scars remembering the feeling of them bleeding. I could feel the rain on my face as I ran down my face, my heart was beating just like it is now. I did my best to remember the song that had been playing on my iPod as I ran "What's the worst that I can say? Things are better if I say so long and goodnight so long and goodnight, and if you carry on this way, things are better off if I stay so long and goodnight so long and goodnight" whispering the lyrics to myself. I felt cold even though I was in a hot bath I had tricked my brain into thinking I was back in that night.

"Give yourself a 3 count angel pie" I could hear Johnny's voice in my head, I felt like he was right here with me holding my hand in my time of need... I didn't want to think about the fact it was all in my head and he wasn't here, I knew he was at home in bed with his wife after putting his daughter to bed I wanted myself to believe he would be here with me "Say it with me sugar... 1" I took a deep breath "1" my voice was shaking "Good girl, that's my girl... 2" I knew he wasn't pushing me nor was he forcing me to do this, he knew it was what I want and he wanted to support me "2" I wasn't scared but I was ready... I could almost see him sitting on the floor beside the tub with this elbows on the side pushing the hair away from my face with his warm hands and his big brown eyes "I love you so much, you'll always be my angel and my girl no matter what..." I could feel his lips press to my forehead. My eyes closed and my head rested on the edge of the bathtub "3" there was now silence... you could hear a pin drop "3" I whispered sinking deeper into the bath.

the water reached my chin then my nose and finally the top of my head "You did it, baby... ill always miss you". My lungs ached and I felt colder and colder I knew I was getting closer and closer to death... goodbye Johnny, I love you more than anything...