Isnt life a bitch

The Gap

we had been walking for almost 5 minutes now and he hadn't said a word to me but i could feel him looking down at me in a curious way "So how has life treated you johnny?" i couldn't help myself! i had to ask not just cause i was dying to know but also because i couldn't take the silence between us "Oh you know its been pretty good, married life is one thing but being a dad is another its taken some time to adjust you know? it was such a rush to get married when we found out that there was a little baby on the way... not to say i didn't want to! it just it felt like the right thing to do i love her and she had my kid you know? and I'm rambling now aren't i?" married? a fucking kid? what the hell! i was gone 2 fucking years and you have gone from moody fuck to married and having a kid!

I couldn't say anything i was to shocked nothing i could say would really keep the conversation pleasant "So what about you? little miss Bethanie, wow that's going to be weird to start calling you but hey your right this is your new life" i did feel a little dishearten to hear that he was going to call me Bethanie i had that tiny little hope that he would come in and insist on calling me Crystal like old times and tell me he loved me and he wanted me back in his life and that he always loved me... but that's not how things are in the real world... everything fucked and people hurt you simple as that "Well... uh i write now, i get angry and trash my apartment then i write some more... that's basically the story of my life now... I'm working on a book i guess you would call it right now but its mostly just angry rants" stepping into the elevator as we entered my apartment building he gave a throaty chuckle to how i had given him "i know a lot of people what have sold many books of angry drunken rants, I'm sure ill be reading your book very soon saying i knew her back when and i stopped her from killing herself.... but i might leave that last bit out" followed by a smile that made me knees weak and made me want to knock the bottle out of his hand and jump him right there in the elevator.

To say i was nervous for him to see my apartment was a huuuuuge understatement i mean the place is a mess! i had pealed off huge chucks of the ugly washed out baby blue wallpaper just because i thought that it was taunting me! there was sheets of paper all over the place with idea scribbles all over it not to even begin to count the number of broken bottles and empty ones all over the place. As we stood looking at my door "Are we going to go inside?" no... Pushing the key into the lock i could feel my heart in my throat... This is really happening I'm really letting Johnny back into my life