Everybody Finds Out

Part 15

In the privacy of Stevie's room, they sat together on her bed in front of each other, Sulamith in between them as a barrier. Lindsey planned to stay true to his word. He knew that the conversation wasn't going to be easy, he was likely going to get blamed for a lot that had happened. He liked to think that he'd gotten better at listening, but he could never be sure, what might set him off.

"I didn't have any sort of feeling that night, as if something was going to go terribly wrong. I went to bed, thinking that you were just having a good time." Stevie shrugged, then added. "Well, which you were." Lindsey clenched his jaw. "Honestly, at that point, I believed that we'd gone through everything we possibly would have to face. When I woke up, you were with me. I let you sleep, because I knew, you had to have been horribly hungover. I got into the shower, I met Chris for breakfast. Everything just seemed normal. Even when you woke up, there was nothing off with your behavior." Stevie lowered her eyes to her beloved pet stretching. "Later on, I couldn't understand, how you were able to act as if you hadn't slept with another woman, then come back to me."

"I did feel absolutely terrible about it, Steph." Lindsey spoke up, when it seemed appropriate to do so. "I tried to pretend that everything was fine, so you..." He sighed, looking away.

"So I wouldn't find out?" 

"Yeah." He was ashamed to admit. "I felt like a total piece of shit."

"Good." Stevie shrugged, picking her dog up to cuddle to her chest. "I was really excited, you know. Not only were we back together again, we were starting a family. I had stopped dreaming about becoming a mother by then. Call it a miracle, but it happened and I was over the moon that it happened with you."

"As was I. I had never been happier, you know that, I've told you that I was about a thousand times in that short period of time." Lindsey fought against reaching out to touch her. 

"I felt safe." She said, the words struck Lindsey like a knife. "I felt safe to dream and imagine, what our future was going to be like; if we were going to have a boy or a girl, what we were going to name them, how much our lives were going to change in general. I wondered if we were going to get married."

Lindsey frowned slightly, they'd never discussed that around the time. "You did?"

"Does that really surprise you?" 

"Actually, it does." Lindsey nodded. "I had asked you before."

"I would have said, yes." It wasn't really necessary to elaborate on that, but she wanted him to know, how much he had ruined then. Lindsey closed his eyes and hung his head low, he swallowed the lump in his throat. "And then it all was snatched away from me. I don't think you had ever hurt me as badly before, even when you purposely intended to." Stevie sank her teeth into her bottom lip. "You said, you needed somewhere to be, I said, okay." She released a shaky breath. "I-" She stopped, when tears suddenly blurred her vision. "I had never, not in a million years, would have thought that, when you returned, you were going to tell me about Kristen. Not only did you cheat on me, but you got her pregnant."

"I'm sorry." Lindsey repeated for the nth time, his voice sounded hoarse. He took her hand and she didn't pull away. "I was hurting, too."

"I'm sure, you were." Stevie nodded. "But you were hurting because I made you leave. I was hurting, because you chose someone else. You can say that you were wasted, but I don't care, that doesn't justify your actions." She wiped the tears away, but fresh ones rolled down her cheeks again. "When you told me, how young she was, when I saw her..." Stevie cocked her head back. "I was nearly fifty then, Lindsey, and there she was. Almost half my age, tall, slim and beautiful."

"Stevie, I didn't choose her." Lindsey emphasized. "I didn't go into that restaurant and picked her out from the crowd. I didn't stop to consider if I found her beautiful, attractive, I..." He shrugged. "I truly was drunk out of my mind. I wouldn't have gone to her if you hadn't made me."

"How could I not, Lindsey?" She freed her hand from his to run it through her hair. "She was young and she was carrying your baby. That child was your responsibility."

"What about our child?" Lindsey raised his voice only slightly. "You didn't think that Harry needed a father?"

"Of course, I didn't think that, but I also knew that you were going to be there for him, because in spite of what you did, you're a good man, Lindsey." He cast his eyes down again and she was the one to reach for his hand this time. "I knew, I could take care of myself, I had people to take care of me, too. She was a young, infatuated girl." Lindsey scoffed. "But you know, what shocked me? What was likely even more painful?" He looked up. "When you married her."

"I just... we were together." Lindsey sandwiched Stevie's hands between his. "We were already raising Will together and I thought that you had moved on, that you didn't need me, want me, loved me anymore. Honestly, it just seemed like the right thing to do."

"And then you had Leelee." 

"We didn't plan to, Stevie, I swear." Lindsey shook his head.

"I don't want to make you regret your children, Lindsey, that's not why I'm bringing this up." Stevie said. "I want you to understand, how I felt, how I feel, watching you have the life we were supposed to have with someone else. It's very likely that I wouldn't have been able to give you another child, but you're with a woman, who could, who can still give you a child. She can bring to your life so much more than I can. I simply pale in comparison. Whether you want to admit it or not, you did choose her over me, Lindsey. Drunk or not, you left with her that night. In the morning, you told me, how much you loved me and how happy you were with me, and that night you chose her over me." She repeated. "I no longer felt loved, I no longer felt like I mattered, I felt old and so easily replaceable."

"Please, don't say that." Lindsey shook his head weakly, bringing her hand up to his lips. "I made a mistake, Stevie, but I never stopped loving you. Ever since you broke up with me, I've been hurting, too. Things were supposed to turn out differently. I'm not supposed to be coming over to spend time with Harry, I should be with you both all the time. We are supposed to be a family."

"We were supposed to be a family, Lindsey." Stevie lowered their joined hands. "But... maybe it was never actually meant to happen. Maybe things are the way as they should be."

"But I do love you. I do still want you and I always will, no matter what." Lindsey gave a shrug of his shoulders. "Whether you believe it or not, you are the woman I'm in love with, the only woman I'm in love with."

Stevie forced a weak smile. "Doesn't really matter anymore, though, does it? Nothing's going to change."

Holding her gaze, Lindsey thought to himself, maybe he should do something to change things at last, but he kept it to himself. He knew Stevie too well to argue with her about it again. "Is it okay if I stay with you? I don't want to leave you after everything that's been said."

"I, uh... I don't think that you should, Lindsey." Stevie shook her head. "I think that I would like to be left alone tonight."