[✔️] 𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐬𝐨𝐦 𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐬.

🏹] 一样.

A/n: Hey cuties <33 I haven't written angst in a while, so I hope that this fills you with pain ( ✌︎'ω')✌︎ enjoy ^^

« 一样 » - yí yàng.
→ from Mandarin Chinese: alike, similar.

Ever since Kaoru left, every day has been the same. I know it's been exactly sixty-three since he left, but I can't tell a Sunday from a Wednesday. I wouldn't be able to tell you what day it is either. It may be the third of March, or the twenty-eighth of September. I just couldn't care less, he's not here so what is it all worth anyways? Sure, sometimes cooking brings me a sense of happiness, and I can still pretend to fly in front of the crowds at S, but with him gone, it just isn't the same. I just want to wake up to his smile, to feel his soft hair between my fingers just like I used to. But he's not here, and I know that all too well. I just wish I could have said something, I wish I had told him how much I loved him. How much he didn't love me back. He's not even dead, he's just not here. But that hurts. It hurts a lot. It's not even anything to get over, just me and my stupid feelings. We were never together, so why does it feel like I'm missing something? I know I miss him, but what about him do I miss? Maybe I miss the way he made every day stand out, the way he made every single second feel unique and special. The way he was himself, so different from everyone else. But now it's all the same. Everyday is just another mindless clone of the previous one. Just another ocean of sorrow that I'm forced to drown in. I miss the turquoise waters and the green lagoons that he bought everyday, the deep seas and the shallow puddles which we went through together. Oh, I miss him. So, so much. I feel like the sun doesn't shine. I feel like I'm lying, even when I stay quiet. I feel like such a fucking idiot for letting him go so easily. Especially when I'm a grown man, facing the sort of issues that an angsty teenager encounters.

Picking up a piece of paper and a pen, I started scribbling some words. Life is so bland without you. I know I should be sending all of these letters, or burning them at least, but I can't seem to do that. I guess they're not really addressed to you, but more to the part of you that stayed with me. I wrote, letting tears well up in my eyes. I miss the color you bought into my life. I'd like to see you again. I really would. I don't know how, but please. Just show yourself, somehow. I want you here, with me. I want things to go back to how they were. I want you here, and now. I want you. Show yourself to me, I'm begging. Kaoru, I need you. I felt consciousness slowly leave my body as sleep claimed my tired brain.

I'll always remember the dream I had then. It was just a dream, but it was him. Kaoru. Smiling at me, taking me into his arms, and telling me he was here. It was joyful, but somehow, that made it feel like a nightmare.

"I miss you too." He said. Before I got the time to respond, I was already awake. The table beneath me seemed to pity me. I wiped the tears off my cheeks before sitting up.

What day was it again? I couldn't remember. I looked at the calendar pinned up on the wall, asking for an answer that the meaningless piece of paper just didn't want to give me. It's all so similar anyways.