Love hurts { TomTord | Hanahaki }

Chapter 9

—
Thursday
3 days until the surgery
—

Fuck.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
They'll never let me out of their sight again.
I'm doomed.
Destined to never be alone ever again.
Why?
Oh well I don't know maybe because they found me, heaving to death, with my fucking arm gushing blood and flowers.
Can this week get any worse?
Tom hates me.
Edd probably hates me.
I don't even remember what I did yesterday.
Matt, Dad, and Pa are all worried sick.
And I can't use the bathroom anymore without someone standing inside of it with me.

This is so fucking humiliating.
I will never be able to escape the mental torture my mind has deemed necessary.
Hell, my Dads are making Matt sleep in my room with me.
What is this?
Some kind of fourth grade sleepover?
I just want some alone time for fucks sake.

No point in dwelling on it.
I chose this for myself when I decided to slit my wrists and fall in love with a selfish asshole who doesn't know anything other than to be a drunken whore all the time.
I'll get over it...right?
Yeah, I always do.
I'll be fine.
I've always been fine and there's nothing wrong with me.

—
Later that night
—

" Hey, sleeping beauty. Get up. You're taking all the room on the bed. "
Seems like Matt won't be awake for a while.
I'll just shimmy my way in there then.

I felt myself getting hotter and more bothered by the second.

" Fuck.. "

I quickly rushed to the bathroom to relive myself of the flowers.
Now getting bigger, with more thorns.
My lungs felt as if all the oxygen in the world was suddenly disappearing.
Ceasing to exist, but only for me.
My loud gasps and struggling to do anything simple like slouching over the toilet is probably what woke Matt up.
He didn't say anything.
He just sat by my side, whispering small nothings to me while rubbing my back, waiting for me to finish.
After maybe 10 minutes of vomiting and dry heaving, I finally finished.

" It's getting worse, isn't it.. "
Matt said.
More of a statement rather a question.

I didn't say anything.
Knowing he was right, I didn't need words to show him.
He helped me clean up and get me back to the bedroom.

Gently laying me down on the bed.
God, I'm so fucking grateful to have a friend like him.

I just wish this wretched curse called fucking love would go away.
I'm tired of it.
Tired of it all.
I just want to be normal again, feel like I can actually live without having to constantly be exhausted or reminded of how much I don't matter.
Reminded that I'm worthless.
Easily replaceable.

My mind wonders to Tom, again.
Three days.
Three, slow days, until I can finally forget about my feelings for Tom.
Three days until I can finally be freed of these stupid Flowers.
Three days till I'll be able to breath again.

It's not long until I find myself drifting off into the vast void of my mind.
My brain filled with nothing but imagination.
Screening a dream.
Or even a nightmare.

I feel warmth right next to me.
I feel safe.
I want to keep feeling like this.
I want to finally be free.
Free of everything I've done.
Free of myself.

I want to be free.
And if I can't get that freedom.
The freedom from these painful flowers.
Then I'll do it myself.
If the surgery doesn't work.

I'll kill myself.
So that maybe then, I can finally rest.

And be free.

——

Hiiii. Yeah I'm back.
Yo.
How Ya doing.
Still sick.
Actually, I won't be at school for a month since they've deemed me " too much of a hazard to be around ".
All because my brother got covid.
He's fine.
I am actually struggling to eat anything so updates will still be slow.
I'm not super weak just yet but it's to the point where if I leave my bed then I feel nauseous.
Yet I also have to take care of a bird with separation anxiety and a puppy who cannot be alone.
Hhh.
Wish me luck 😩😩😩

-Anna 2021