My Journal

entschlossen?

These past few weeks have been a torment for me. I am in a place I do not want to be... a physical and mental place. I think I can recover from all these doubts and obscure feelings I have been having once I come back to the place I feel my power lies and where I let loose all of me... but I am not sure that place will be enough (?)

I do not want to inspire doubt, because I have no doubt of where I actually want to be, of where I actually I want to stand this year, there has been no doubt about that since a very long time... but this is the fear of staying still... my whole body tells me to jump off this comfortable state, my heart pounds madly at the mere thought of scaping through forests and running away so that I can meet new places and learn new things, and my soul seeks for guide, seeks for this little help that will help me leap over it all.

This aint life for a soul like mine... seeking adventure constantly, searching for imaginary and existing places only by closing eyes, aching for recreating them for I cannot go to them, or can I?

I dont know why I see Raúl and feel something different. Or maybe it is just that I like him, or the fact that he is mexican and understands the flame of our latin blood, or just... it is another strange whim I have.

But seeing him reminds me of how cool it is to come up with your very own art, with your very own revolution, with your very own you to the world no matter what. He just seems so peaceful with what he does and likes, and I know this is a very superficial observation but I sense it that way. I would like to say more and find myself immerge in an whole made up story but I know it would not be so sensible of and for me. I will not then.

But I feel like I have way too much to do with art as to ignore it and live happily for however long I will live - that is why I have decide not to ignore my strong connection between life and art. I try and try, and have tried for the last past six years and still I have not been able to disconnect myself from this pounding my heart does anytime I feel the thrill of anything aesthetically and heavenly arty. I love drawing, I love music, I love playing piano, I love singing, I would love to paint lots and lots, I love photographing and would love to be able to shoot something so cinematrophically well done, writing and reading, and writing lots and lots of stuff, pouring quasi my mind into papers and screens... and I love so many arty things I am almost afraid of committing a huge mistake by ignoring all that and just leaving it there because of such a dreadful and foolish fear of not being able to improve any skill I may have - and this fear comes from past experiencies: the guitar and the hate I have grown on it since the last time I played it, the conservatory memories and my failure on being discipline with anything I start. Is that really so bad?

But at the same time my heart lies on the centre of a constant search for adventure, and I think that is why I cannot stick to a place nor a thing, and find myself unusually disappointed at the end.

Still I think I can change that, well... why wouldnt I be able to change it? So... I am coming to the conclusion, as I see it, that I can manage to get it all on the set. What do I want to do? Clearly I am studying something I like, but clearly that is not enough for my thirst for art, so what to do? I guess one should only do that what one desires to do. And in order to this I am planning to do what I want and need to do. So... what is that? I want to learn... learn as much as I can, see as much as I can see, create as much as I can create... I want to be and do and be that what I do and that what I do be a part of me.

If I want to write, then why would I not be writing?

If I want not only to draw but also paint that of what I see and imagine, then why not learn to paint even if its not perfect at the beginning?

If I want to play piano and afterwards turn it all into creationg, why cannot I do it?

If I want to do photography all over the places of this world, then... why not do it anytime the chances are given?

I know we have only certain amount of time, of energy, of input... I am an economist, how could I not? So I guess I will have to choose amount certain things, and that is on those things I can do only right now. Because why suffer for things you cannot do right now, but later on? Such my piano. It is laying up there in DE alone with no hands that can play it. I cannot play it right now. But I will recreate with it all the melodies that inspire me profoundly. So what I can else do now?

I have no doubt this right now is turning out to be some sort of thought organizer, and thats okay. So I will be happy to make count my vacations:

- I will learn to drive finally, because theres not more time left.
- And I will continue on drawing daily as much as I want, and learn to paint even if its chaotic now, I shall not desist.
- And I will keep on learning things I have and want to for my career, because I actually want to.
- And music? Theres only room for it when I am singing and working, because I cannot do much about it just now - the ukulele cannot replace the giant gap of the piano, it simply cannot.
- And I will take care of my body and health, I see it is an urgent need, and see no harm in it.

So this vacation time will consist of:
- Driving learning.
- Microeconomics and maths learning.
- Drawing.
- Photography.
- Gym.
- DE applications.

Of course I wouldnt mind of going somewhere far far away and resting there for a whole month, but if that is not possible, why push it? I will just try to fill that empty space and ache with the driving lessons, that will most probably help, wont it?

I hope so.

And hey, Raul, I really like you.

Hope you are doing fine. My best wishes to you, I hope you sense them.