My Journal

Andeutungen

Who would have thought it is so easy to make hinst (Anddeutungen) zu jemandem nur duch Lieder!!! Já! Funny... and... nice? Hahahaha, I am so amazed at how... despite the distance, the probable differences, and the little we know each other, from day one you could feel some sort of connection that makes stand by and just try to follow where these streaming vibes come from... I..., believe me, I am not being dramatic again, I am not feeling nor seeing things just out of pressumptions, but out of my intuition, and my intuition is NEVER wrong... everytime I override that intuition it all turns into chaos. And... haha, much more now that I have come to be much more spiritually connected to the universe and my angels... what then now?

I hate to say it, I am now very patient... I am being INCREDIBLY patient right now, with myself, with him, with the things to come, with the very self time... with everything... for not only my owns sake, but also for everyones, for everythings... ANDDDDDDDDDDDDD... thats quite amazing already for such a person as me... BUTTTTTTTTT... even though I know I could hold myself for a little bit more... I just sense all these feelings even when were half the world away... I sense he senses something - and I -apparently- for the very first time- dont bother we are not onto each other the whole time, the whole day... it is so enough for me to hear from him when hes free to tell anything about his life... his life that seem so interesting to me... his life that if not in the way Id like to, at least, Id like to peep at... even if its for a little bit, I wouldnt mind... for hes such a different kind of human, I see it, I feel it, theyve told me, and I wont ignore that. Of course I now from time to time find myself fantisizing about multiple scenarios -thou I do know thats not wholesome at all-, but I cant just pretend I cant sense nor feel anything, and thats why this week Ive been letting everything happen as it wants to happen... for, what else can I do? Ive learned my lections, hardly, but I have at least... and... I feel so good when I think of him, even when theres still so much to get to know, I feel so heart-warmed when I sit at dusk in the garden and just look up to the sky and let space to my imagination to develop all sorts of stories, of truths or lies, of lifes he could really have.

Ive come to realize I like it hows going... well, maybe not that much when I feel very indiferent to what I feel and what his apparition concerns... -but thats just from time to time, not the whole time-, I like it, for... if I stay patient and a good child as Ive been in the last couple of months, Ill most probably enjoy the slow ride... I mean, aint eveything so romantic since the very beginnin?? All has been very strange, unexpected but mysterious! Who wants to know someone through a Spotify Playlist?!?!?! That definitely does not happen everyday... and for the sake of it all... he answers to very slight hint I may give him through that holy playlist--- it only means hes also on his guard, waiting patiently for signs, for hints... that I of course am starting to give him slowly but surely... another thing is it pretty difficult per internet to interpret ones emotions when reading dissimulate flirty messages... thou it is pretty obvious hes so shy and not used to those kind of direct confessions that he might get a little bit high on those words... words that I of course very mean! Is it weird I keep his ig photos saved in my phone? Hes so handsome...

Anyway, I am digressing here again... what I originally wanted to say was... that also the perspective of a long converstion history between us till the very day we could finally see each other is very attractive to me... despite my hate for knowing people merely through the internet and having fleeting meaningless conversations and not feeling any sort of connection through this whole year has dissapeared here... now I dont feel frustrated at the thought I cant feel anything... I cant sense any connection - from day one I felt it... and... the image of us months later seeing each other finally is increasingly appreaciated by me and my emotions... and by wellbeing too. Can you picture such an scene? It of course will have to happen months later, maybe not even until September, but I dont care... I am into it, I am into him, I am into that date... will he consider it also as a date? Uff, cant think anything about what could possibly happen that day, the only thing Im sure now of is I am going to be immensely nervous as I have long ago not been for anyone... if I am nervous enough by just writing a message to him, cant imagine seeing his cool face... even, thing I havent had the pleasure yet, hearing his voice, what type of voice would he have? Grave Id dare say... I am so bad with voices... I cant even remember Joanniss, and that what only just a year and a half ago... independently from how he may actually look like, independently from what he may sound or how he may actually behave.. independently from all that could or not happen... I am happy with this and happy at that very thought of us meeting face to face...

Id love to keep on rambling about how romantic I find this all, and how much I am into it all... and how I am killing all my dear fear monsters from the recent past events and experiences and people... and how all those traumas are slowly fading away... I am glad we have then the chance to meet each other in a way each of one ouf us has grown, and learned amazing things about life and relationships, and how the prospective of a relationship, independently of what it may be, is positive... away from all kind of toxic behaviours or bane situations...

Has the chance finally arrived to love and be loved again endlessly? Has the chance finally arrived to learn how to truly love and be at the time the human I love and want me to be? Have we come together truly because of the universe... becaume of the karma?

Call it fate, call it karma, I dont care... I just care about me, you, and us and what happens with our surroundings when we come togethet...

also, I cant help but now kiss you, and bite your lips, and take everything off you have on (p.s., sorry for that - cant helpt but still be very wild with my thoughts and specially at the thought of you... in that way apparently I havent changed at all... and you are the very first person to awake that part again and that is a GIANTIC sign, btw... and I more than like... love it).

;)