My Journal

pouring ideas

It's funny because I am feelin' lately way too funny that I can't even seem to understand very clearly. But I'll use this confusion to take out of me and see with clarity what's actually goin' on. On many levels of my life I have been experiencing rapid and drastic changes for the last couple of months, and ironically enough it has been in the months of this present year, as if the universe was telling me it is time for change and I should be prepared for it. Well I am, I think I am, and I want to keep on being it. So I'll let my thoughts just flow in here so I can understand better.

Most of all I have been experiencing internal and spiritual changes - and that is why it is sometimes a bit hard to cope with everything and to keep up with the challenges and the habits I am intending to establish into my life. But here is the thing - today I am feelin' the ego is overruling my day, and I know I shouldn't let it but sometimes I cannot seem to manage to get it out of place. Somehow it creeps slowly inside, but I know exactly why it is. Discomfort - unsatisfaction - disaprovement. And of course you may now ask why. Why now and why at all. Well... that is my very same question. Now than ever I am so close to everything I have been striving for in the last year and a half, and somehow I feel like I ought to do more or like I am missing the thing I should doing just right now, because I am not thinkin' anymore 'bout the things that are 'bout to happend or are not, but 'bout my current state and my current mental, physical, spiritual state... which is goin' a little bit over the bord just right now and for the couple of weeks. Maybe it does have to do with the place I am currently stayin' in, but I feel like that should still not be an valid excuse. I am in a phase in which I am defining things or at least lookin' to define something very important to me.

I know this process includes not comparing to others, but when you're so in love with art and arty things and people who express themselves throughout any sort of art it is indeed kind of hard to feel like you are not doin' part of it. Why am I not, or why do I feel like I'm not?

I am sure I am - even when I still haven't started the book I am always thinkin' about, even when I still don't publish the crappy poems I write from time to time, even when I don't draw every single time or that I had to push my painting learning for later... I know I am on it - but why do I feel like I am still missin' something?

Maybe it has got to do again with the sedentarism that we are all experiencing, and the fact that it is hitting me hard once more again... want to have it under control. Music helps so much, but also music reminds me so much of how mad I am at wanting to create music even when I can't even play it professionally? Does that even makes sense?

I just thinks that there are just way too many things that I love. People usually complain 'bout not knowing what to do, 'bout not even knowing what they love or how to find it - but this is another different case, one that I never have heard anybody complain about: not knowing what to choose from the menu you dearly love.

I mean... how are you supposed to know what to choose over what when you feel by every single thing incredible chills all the time? Haha, I always feel like this when I have no job. Funny. Well.. the thing is... the quest for an answer for this is ardous. But I'd then dare to say I'd have again to appeal again to our economical Denkweise: "resource is knapp, you have opportunities costs, you better choose wisely". But then I see people like Nathaniel Drew, who paint, who photograph, who learn languages, who travel, who filmmakes, who edits, who reads, who composes and makes music, who etc etc etc... and I wonder... if he can do all those things, why cannot I actually follow his example and do mostly all I love?

This can be seen again as comparison but I am just merely trying to understand how our human capacity works and our focus and talen can be brough up and onto several things at once and making it whilst really good, with passion and love.